If you’re in a polyamorous relationship, taking the next step is more complicated. Given that everything is a bit more complicated in a polycule, you may be uniquely prepared for this challenge.
Marriage, as defined in the United States, is a legal relationship limited to two adult human beings, which means that you’re going to have to get creative if you want to include marriage in your formal commitment. This is by no means required; anyone can have a commitment ceremony whether or not there will also be a marriage. Hiring a officiant who customizes each and every ceremony is important for that process; here’s some considerations as you work through your ideas.
How will you communicate with your officiant?
If you’re in a healthy polyamorous relationship, then you have gotten very good at communicating with one another. Even if your officiant is also experienced with polyamorous relationships, that officiant isn’t part of your polycule. Give some thought as to how you communicate among yourselves, and then ask your officiant for input on how to work together. The clearer everyone is on how you want to work together, the smoother the process will be. Consider asking questions such as:
- To what extent does each of you want to be involved in creating the ceremony script?
- Can you be disciplined enough not to talk over each other, to be mindful that the officiant may be taking notes?
- Will you make space for your officiant to talk with each of you regardless, to get a sense of your individual personalities?
Will there be a legal marriage as part of the ceremony?
Just because marriage is limited to two individuals doesn’t mean that marriage can’t be part of the plans for your polycule. For example, I’m familiar with a four-person polycule who got married as two couples. There are legal benefits to marriage that are more difficult to recreate outside of that context, and just because your loving family is more complex than the societal norm doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve those benefits. However, due to that additional complexity, it’s probably worth it to consult some professionals, such as an estate lawyer and an accountant. If you can communicate your goals to these consultants, you may emerge with a strategy for how to achieve them.
On the other hand, there is no requirement that any marriage license be involved in this process. What works for one polycule isn’t necessarily the best option for any other. Communicate with one another, and take the time to test your own feelings.
ceremonial
Incorporating symbolism of unity into a polyamorous commitment ceremony
Many of the classic unity elements are designed for two people, but can be adapted.
- Rings: it’s relatively easy to include rings as a symbol of this commitment. A ring-warming isn’t changed much at all; the main factor for this is the number of guests participating. For the actual exchange, thought must be given as to who shall place a ring on whose finger, and in what order. It might even make sense to do this simultaneously.
- Handfasting is a beautiful way to show the connections among the ceremony participants, but the knot that’s commonly tied is designed for two people to pull the ends. For more than two, the officiant may be doing additional work, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
- Sharing a cup such as the traditional Scottish quaich can be quite profound with three or more pledging their love or commitment to one another.
- Sand ceremonies are also easily adapted to more than two, and the result can be a beautiful sand painting which will serve as an enduring reminder of how you have blended your distinctive energies together.
- Vows are perhaps more important for three or more than they are for a mere couple. You are committing yourself to each individual, and to the entire polycule. This is a moment when you can declare to each other, your guests, and the entire universe what you mean to each other, and how you intend to show it. For that reason, canned vows might not cut it. Your officiant might have suggestions as to the types of promises to make and things to say, but as with everything in the polyamorous life, communication with your partners is essential.
When it comes down to it, love is love. Not all love has a legal definition, and that’s okay. If you’re ready to declare your love before friends and family, send a message! Your love deserves a lovely ceremony.