The first wedding I ever officiated was for family members, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The second wedding I officiated was for one of my oldest friends. After each ceremony, I felt like a minor celebrity myself. I’d made the magic happen. I was responsible for helping people I care about start their lives together. It was magical. It was beautiful. I’ll never forget those experiences.
Marrying the future parents of my future grandchildren
It was also the most effort I have ever put into a wedding gift in my entire life.
Officiating for friends or family is a gift like no other. You can be sure that there won’t be anything like it brought by anyone else. If you ask someone dear to you for this, it will touch them deeply, too. The amount of love and trust behind such a request is profound.
Before you make this request, though, make sure you’re clear what you will be asking. Officiating a wedding includes:
making sure you’re legally able to perform the ceremony and sign the paperwork (which in New York, at least, isn’t that difficult)
being comfortable speaking in public (and, if there won’t be amplification, having a voice that carries far enough for everyone to hear)
working with you to come up with the ceremony script that fits your preferences, by writing it entirely or by researching existing scripts and customizing the elements
rehearsing lines and ceremony details, either solo or with the wedding party
From the first conversation through sending the paperwork back to the town clerk, I’ll be spending at least 10 hours working on any wedding—not including travel. That first one took me more time than that, because I was still learning what questions I needed to ask, and I was also more than a little bit nervous about getting everything right. I could have shaved it down by finding a canned script to read, but that wasn’t a good fit for me.
This is a big investment of time, learning, and love. If your purpose is to find a way to include someone in a very special way, by all means do ask! If your main concern is to save money, you should be aware that despite often being the only role you are legally required to fill during your ceremony, wedding officiants are typically among the least expensive vendors. You should also consider how to balance balance the personal and the professional when asking any friend to help out with your wedding.
When your officiant is someone from your inner circle, they are going to have an experience much like anyone else in your wedding party: a whirlwind of activity that may leave them with little time to enjoy your special day. (To be fair, that’s how a lot of couples experience their own wedding, too.) Make sure that whoever you ask is clear about the effort that’s needed, and be aware that being asked is such an honor that some people will find it hard to refuse—even if they want to. What you don’t want is to create hard feelings or have to hire an officiant if your loved one bows out later on.
Again, it’s beautiful to have a special person perform a ceremony of matrimony for you. If there is someone in your life that fits the bill, go for it! Just be clear on what’s expected, and be willing to take “no” for an answer. If the request is declined, I would be happy to help you find another way to include that loved one. Reach out to set up a free consultation.
A poignant way to represent what changes during marriage is to exchange stefana on the heads of the couple. This is a unity ceremony that touches on the additional roles and responsibilities being placed upon those who are being wed. Widely used in Greek orthodox ceremonies, these wreaths have roots that can be traced back long before Christianity was developed.
Some comments on word usage: stefana is the plural form of stefanos; “stefanas” is always incorrect. The plural is the more common word to see in this context, because for weddings, they come in pairs. It’s also redundant to use “stefana crowns,” since the word means “garland” or “crown.” Greek words are written using a different alphabet, and for that reason this one is sometimes translated using the spelling “stephana,” but that’s not nearly as common.
In a Greek orthodox wedding, the priest places a stefanos on the head of the groom, and then intones a prayer three times that celebrates that man’s* role as a servant to that religion’s central deity. A second stefanos, which is attached to the first with a long ribbon, is placed on the bride’s head with a similar invocation. The crowns remain in place for the remainder of the ceremony, and traditionally for some time after that. Once woven of flowers or other plants, stefana in the 21st century are more likely to be long-lasting keepsakes fashioned of much more durable materials, including silver and gold.
The use of wreaths to crown individuals dates back into the ancient period of Greek history, and perhaps earlier.
*The gendered language describing Greek orthodox weddings is intentional. Same-sex weddings were legalized in Greece in February, 2024, but church leaders opposed the change. To my understanding, same-sex unions are not available in any Greek orthodox church, anywhere on the planet. The theological basis for that position is clearly important to adherents of that faith. Rest assured your officiants at Weddings in the Gunks are not ordained through that church. If you wish to incorporate this tradition to honor your spiritual or cultural heritage, then your ceremony will include those elements—it’s as simple as that.
The practice of warming rings at a wedding is said to have Irish roots. The basic form involves the bands being passed among some or all of the guests, who physically warm them with their hands while also imbuing them with positive hopes and wishes for the couple being married. It’s a lovely way to shift guests from audience members to participants. As it’s not a standard part of a traditional contemporary American wedding, the officiant should take time to explain its significance. In the alternative, information about warming of rings can be included in the invitation.
Logistics of a ring-warming ceremony
If you’re going to ask for the rings to be warmed, consider these questions:
do you want the rings to remain in a single location where the guests come up one by one, or should they be passed to people in their seats?
who will be in charge of monitoring the rings, to make sure that all intended guests have access, and that they’re available by the time they are needed for placing on fingers?
will the rings remain in a container such as a pouch, or will they be handled directly?
if only a portion of guests will be warming the rings during the ceremony, will everyone else be included in some way?
The answers to these questions will depend on factors ranging from your love of your guests to your anxiety about a ring being misplaced. No one wants to see a ring fall between floorboards! On the other hand, having guests lay their hands on those rings can form incredible memories. Sometimes, one or both members of the couple fashion their own rings—which can amplify either of those feelings.
Having the officiant be the only one to warm the rings is an option that we’ve included. Another has been to allow the ring physically to be warmed by members of the immediate family before they are exchanged, and invite other guests to confer their own blessings on the rings after the ceremony—once they’re securely on their intended fingers. A third option would be to have the ring bearer or another designated individual hold the rings aloft, and allow everyone to confer their wishes or blessings at the same time.
Include whoever you choose
Being broadly inclusive of your guests is a kind gesture, but on this day you might prefer to call out those closest to you to participate in this special way. You may even wish to bring the rings on visits to loved ones who won’t be able to attend in person, in order to give them an opportunity. In fact, the entire matter of warming rings might be done privately, months or hours or minutes ahead of the formalities, if that is your desire. All you need do is let your officiant know what you intend, as with all elements of the ceremony.
Ultimately, the only people who need to be satisfied with if and how to include warming of the rings are those who will be wearing them. Realistically, the feelings of certain loved ones might play an outsized role in helping you make those decisions. Be clear on your own vision, and on which stakeholders you want to bring in for input, as you decide on this and every part of your wedding. It’s your day, after all.
The breaking of a glass with a solid stomp of the foot comes from Jewish tradition, and is a recognizable element in many fictional weddings depicted on film and stage. Traditionally a glass is broken by the groom and attendees shouts “mazel tov,” which marks the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the celebration.
Traditional Jewish significance of breaking a glass
Rabbis have written no small amount the symbolism of breaking a glass during a wedding. In a traditional ceremony there are two cups used; one for the betrothal, and another for the nuptials. Its breaking is believed by some scholars to represent the destruction of the temple at Jerusalem, and the hope that the relationship with Jews and their deity might be restored as surely as glass can be melted and repaired. Others have argued that it is intended to temper the unbridled joy and intoxication that such a celebration might encourage; there are stories of rabbis who broke a glass to shock guests into sobriety. Yet another interpretation is that the act captures some of the essence of a Talmudic observation that “joining two people in marriage is as difficult as splitting the sea.” Breaking a glass in joy can also be seen as an attempt to counteract the divine consequences of the breaking of the tablets by Moses, which was done out of anger.
Contemporary symbolism of breaking the glass
When I’ve witnessed a glass being broken, it’s always been an acknowledgment of Jewish custom. Rather than using one of the ceremonial cups as might be dictated by strict adherence to tradition, a glass—sometimes a light bulb instead, because it sounds more dramatic—is wrapped in a cloth and placed before the groom. The guests I’ve spoken to have had different interpretations of its meaning than the rabbis who study these questions. These include:
representing the suffering that Jews have endured throughout their history,
a blessing that the marriage shall last as long as it would take to reassemble the glass,
that this is the last time that the groom will “put his foot down,”
a reminder, by smashing something valuable, that marriage is not about material possessions,
a charm to transfer the cracks that might grow in this relationship to the glass instead, and
a reminder of the fragility of human relationships, and that both joy and sadness lie ahead.
A cultural conclusion to a wedding
Breaking of a glass carries a lot of symbolism, and specifically calls back to Jewish culture and heritage. It’s a satisfying way to conclude a wedding ceremony, and invariably is followed by joy and celebration. It may be an appropriate finish to the ceremony, even if it’s not one performed by a rabbi and drawing upon the more sacred Jewish traditions, if recognizing Jewish heritage is important to those being married and their families.
Weddings can be bittersweet. There’s likely going to be a lot of happiness, and looking to the future; it can also be a day to remember loved ones who didn’t live to attend in body. Acknowledging those special people who passed on before your special day can help transform any sadness or grief you might be feeling. This post will include several suggestions for doing this.
“Beloved dead” vs “ancestors”
For the purposes of this post, the phrase “beloved dead” is specifically intended to mean people whom you shared a relationship close enough to experience love, and who are now deceased. This is in contrast to “ancestors,” a term that for this post is defined as those people to whom you have ties of blood or inspiration, and who died before you were born.
There are ancestor veneration practices in every culture. I maintain an ancestor practice, and many of the suggestions here could be used for people in either category. The difference is that since we knew our beloved dead in life, those relationships still carry emotions from that life together. A relationship with someone you never knew in life just hits different. It might be appropriate to honor one or more ancestors, too.
Set a seat at the table
You can reserve a seat for a deceased love one—or more than one, as they don’t take up much space. Just drop a “reserved for ____” placard wherever you would like them to sit; I’ve also seen it suggested that in place a placard, you could hang one of their jackets over the chair. This is also possible for the reception, but check with your caterer to find out if this will incur charges, and budget accordingly.
Remember them in the program
Write a dedication to someone you wish could have been there in person. It can be as simple as listing a name or names under the heading of “in loving memory,” but you could also include a brief quote or anecdote or picture, if that feels right.
Ask them to attend
I’ve had clients who asked me to specifically invite the attendance of a departed family member, before moving into the bulk of the ceremony. Your beloved dead are probably going to be there in spirit either way, but it’s nice to be asked. If you want to take an extra step, address an invitation and leave it graveside.
Include a shrine
Create a small area with pictures or other memories of your beloved dead. This might be a photo board, or a small table upon which is placed items like a framed picture, lit candle, or personal possessions of the deceased. Depending on the layout of the venue, a procession can stop there to acknowledge the loved one, or it might be better sited to allow guests to interact before or after the ceremony. A minimalist version might be to wear or openly carry a locket containing the loved one’s image.
Your loved ones will be with you, today and always
Getting married after a loved one has passed away can bring up complex emotions. It’s sad to know that they won’t be there to see this happy day with their own eyes, but it might also be nice to know that that special someone would have been happy for you. If there is someone who will be on your mind as your take this important step, it’s okay to remember them on your wedding day. Do it publicly, if that feels right, or do it privately. How each of us remember, and how each of us grieve, is an individual journey. Just be true to yourself, your traditions, and the relationship you had with whoever can’t make it in body, and try to find comfort in how they might have enjoyed celebrating with you.
The unity ceremony of drinking from a quaich carries deep and poignant symbolism with it. A quaich is a two-handled cup traditionally made from wood, but many modern versions are metal. While any beverage may be consumed from a quaich, it is most strongly associated with Scotch whisky. The word “quaich” derives from an older Scottish word for “cup,” which means both that “quaich cup” is redundant, and that “quaich” is a common noun that requires no capitalization. However, the etymology is only one interesting aspect of this object, which has taken on a special role in Scots and Scottish-inspired weddings.
During a wedding, the couple together drains the quaich as a way of proclaiming that they are family. This video gives more context.
There are many versions of the traditional words that can be said before, during, and after the quaich is emptied; my clients are welcome to ask for something more aligned with their values, as well.
Variations for a quaich ceremony include:
having the quaich filled by a friend or family member,
selecting a beverage other than whisky, including possibly a blend of liquids,
turning the cup upside-down on a table, or on the head of one of the couple, and
having the cup served by members of the family or wedding party, instead of to each other.
A concept that is central to the sharing of the quaich is that by sharing this cup, you can’t do harm or injury to one another.
If you’d like a custom wedding ceremony that includes a quaich or another tradition that speaks to your own values, reach out for a free consultation.
