In New York, it’s actually possible to change one’s name simply by changing it. Here’s what’s written on the state’s web site:
Every person has the right to adopt any name by which he or she wishes to be known simply by using that name consistently and without intent to defraud. A person’s last name (surname) does not automatically change upon marriage, and neither party to the marriage is required to change his or her last name. Parties to a marriage need not take the same last name.
While that’s a cromulent approach, having a legal record of a changed name is extremely helpful in our bureaucratic society. Marriage is an uncomplicated way to create that record, one that doesn’t carry with it any legal fees or other financial costs. It is also somewhat limited. Again, the information about name-change options for marriage from the official state source is as follows:
One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the surname by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage license. The new name must consist of one of the following options:
the surname of the other spouse;
any former surname of either spouse;
a name combining into a single surname all or a segment of the premarriage surname or any former surname of each spouse;
a combination name separated by a hyphen or a space, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses.
One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the middle name by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage license. The new middle name must consist of one of the following options:
the current surname of the spouse electing to change his or her name;
any former surname of the spouse electing to change his or her name;
the surname of the other spouse.
There’s a nice guide to all the government officials who will need to be notified of your new name on wedding wire, but outside of that list, the information on that page isn’t entirely accurate. As of this writing, there’s a claim that state record-keepers are “open to pretty much anything you can come up with” when it comes to changing a name through a marriage; this is simply not true. You certainly can pursue another legal avenue to create a new name for yourself, but the criteria for a marital change are limited to those specified above. The text also leaves the impression that county clerks issue marriage licenses and certificates; this is false. These documents are obtained from a city or town clerk. Always trust information from an official source over what one might read on a corporate web site. Writers for these web sites—assuming that the text is written by humans at all, and not an artificial intelligence—may not have ever set foot in New York, and probably have churned out boilerplate articles without any editorial oversight to ensure that facts are checked for accuracy.
Similarly, there’s an article on the findlaw site about marital name changes that’s also not accurate when it comes to getting married in New York. The facts of that article were reviewed by an Ohio attorney, one who seems not to be aware of the peculiar limits in place in this state. There is certainly room for creativity, but the claim that it’s possible to “come up with a completely new and different name” is inconsistent with the New York health department information that’s shared here. That link is included because there’s an even more thorough list of entities to inform about the new name.
Your name is yours to cherish for life if you wish, but marriage in New York provides a straightforward way to make certain changes. Choose wisely.
Your privacy is more important than business promotion. If you need to keep pictures and video of your ceremony off the internet, that’s okay.
Weddings in the Gunks is a ministry of marriage, but it’s a ministry that is run like a business. That’s why permission to use images and videos from the ceremony is part of the standard contract: authentic content shows what to expect on your special day. Growing this business may one day allow me to devote my life to bringing this unique kind of joy into the lives of my clients. That’s why being able to share images and video is important to me.
Sometimes, it doesn’t feel okay to have images or video of this moment of joy shared by a third party. There are lots of different reasons for this, including privacy for high-profile individuals, or for those whose right to marry or very identity have become political and divisive in our culture. My priority is your wedding, not my promotion. If you need guardrails on what I will do with your content, then let’s talk about it.
To be clear, at Weddings in the Gunks I will marry any couple who is able to obtain a marriage license, and I will perform commitment ceremonies for whoever desires them. The only limits I place upon my work are the ones imposed by my body; if you want an officiant who is able to perform an underwater ceremony without breathing that lasts four minutes or longer, I may not be the best fit for you. I will never personally place limits on your relationship.
Yes, I really do appreciate using your wedding videos and video to show others that I do this work and that I love what I do, and you will be asked—but you never will be pressured. Your comfort, your privacy, and your safety are a priority. This is a ministry of joy, and that essential work would be undone if I left my clients with bad tastes in their mouths by trying to wheedle out of them something they aren’t comfortable sharing. I certainly hope my clients will be willing to leave a review, in any case.
If you’re interested in finding out if I am a good fit, why not contact me to schedule a video consultation?
Sand ceremonies are a beautiful act of unity, with sand from more than one container being combined in much the same way that our lives are combined in marriage. Some of my wedding clients want to celebrate the individuality that continues even when lives are deeply combined. When I hear that desire, I often suggest a sand ceremony. It’s possible to pick out the individual grains, I point out, but they are also changed by being together.
There’s another ceremony I facilitate, a blending of the home soils. It’s not always as colorful, but it can strike a chord. Like a sand ceremony, it involves combining something from each party to the marriage. Instead of sands that might be selected for grain size or color, among other factors, the home soil is dug from wherever is home and mixed in a pot or bowl. It can be kept in a decorative container in the post-wedding home, or it can be used for planting, representing this new life together in a visceral way.
Interested in learning more about incorporating forms of earth into your ceremony? Contact me for a consultation.
Like many modern wedding traditions, jumping the broom has many stories about its origin and purpose, and it’s a ceremony that holds different meaning for different people who do it. The practice may have developed independently in Wales and the American South, and according to folklore the common element is that the broom was jumped by oppressed people who weren’t allowed a legal marriage: the Romani in Wales, and enslaved African Americans in the USA.
Drawing on those traditional understandings, jumping the broom is a way to honor ancestors and their struggles, or to express solidarity with others who have been oppressed.
There is also religious symbolism that can be seen in the broom. Some christians see the handle as representing their deity, and the bristles their families. In certain pagan traditions, the broom represents a blending of masculine and feminine energies. More broadly, jumping the broom is considered a blessing upon the marriage.
If you’re trying to bring together various ideas to create your wedding ceremony, you’re in the right place. Ceremony consultation is part of the officiant service at Weddings in the Gunks.
Writing your own wedding vows is a very romantic idea, but it’s not for everyone. Some folks freeze up at the thought of writing anything creative at all, some get scared at the sight of a blank page or screen, and there are also those from whom words flow like water. Which kind are you?
When you write your own vows, you can read them from your notes, or repeat after the officiant.
When the words are easy
Some people think more in words than anything else. If you’re that sort, then you might not need anything more than some time to think about your future spouse to get the ideas flowing. For you, letting it all out is exactly what you want to do first, but remember that everyone needs an editor. Human brains tend to filter out anything that is familiar, like the words you yourself wrote; that makes it hard to spot your own misteaks. It’s just our wiring. You’ll also want to try reading aloud whatever you come up with in front of a friend. Sometimes the words we choose as we write don’t sound as good as they look, and might take some tweaking to nail down the sentiment. You also want to know about how long it takes to read aloud; if you are going to repeat after your officiant, double that time. Ideally, both sets of vows should take roughly the same amount of time.
When you can’t find the right words
Words don’t come as easily to everyone, and that’s okay. All of our brains work differently, and yours might be more focused on colors, or emotions, or sensations, or music. You might need a little bit of prompting to find words that match how you feel about someone you’re about to commit to in a big and amazing way. Try breaking it down into smaller pieces with this rule of threes. Block out some time, by yourself or with someone close to you like a parent or friend that you would want in your wedding party, and jot down the following:
three things you love about your partner
three dreams to share
three promises to make
Once you have three of each (or two, or four; don’t sweat the numbers too much; when you’re done, you’re done), just write ’em up: “Robin, I love that when we met you were wearing my favorite shade of green, I love the sound of your laugh, and I love that you’ve never been to Muskogee. I want to raise puppies with you, and get season tickets to the Panthers together, and live in a purple house together. I promise that I will never criticize your driving, that I will not water the plants because I always kill them, and that you will be happier married to me than you ever have been before.”
You can also mix it up: “I love the sound of your laugh, I want to live in a purple house together, and promise not to water the plants.” Once you have the base material, it’s just about rearranging it—but skip that part if you are the sort to overthink it. If you’re grinding your teeth, you’re done, okay?
When writing is always stressful
For some of us, writing and reading are a major headache. If you get massive anxiety at the idea of writing vows, you might want to focus your creativity on other wedding planning and give this part a pass. There are a lot of lovely wedding vows out there on the internet that you can choose to use instead. It will be lovely either way.
On the other hand, if you don’t like to write but you really, really want your wedding vows to be in your words, talk to me! I’ve been interviewing people since I was 13 years old, and turning what they tell me into a written words. Talking uses a different part of the brain than writing, and I can help you find words to match how you feel. Helping you tell your own story is what I’m here to do.
