The Scottish tradition of swearing upon an oathing stone, or oath stone, is intended to tie the new family to the land while their ancestors bear witness to their promises. It’s not a common wedding practice in the United States, but it’s one that brings heft into the ceremony.
Is an oathing stone right for your wedding?
This Scottish practice isn’t from a closed tradition, but it’s always appropriate to acknowledge the source of an act to avoid the potential for cultural appropriation. That said, the Scots have created something that is visceral in a way that simply exchanging promises with one another might not be. Using an oathing stone might make sense under certain circumstances, such as:
at least one of the families has been living on the same parcel of land for multiple generations,
those being wed expect to continue living in the same location for the foreseeable future,
there is a desire to express that land stewardship or conservation is an important value,
animism is, or informs, your personal belief systems, and you want to include your non-human neighbors, or
involving a weighty stone makes it easier to appreciate the weight of the promises being made.
Choosing an oath stone
It can resonate quite deeply when the stone selected is from a place that holds particular significance, but that can also lead to overthinking. If you have a stone in mind, use it! Alternatively, there is no reason why a couple can’t simply take a walk outside and pick up stone that just feels right. Take a walk together in a natural place that’s special to you, be it woodland or shoreline, field or stream. Rather than focusing on all the little details around you, try to look into the middle distance and absorb the sounds, smells, and other sensory information as a whole. Eventually, something will draw your attention to look in a specific place for your stone. Please remember, though, that removing natural objects from national and state parks is usually illegal.
However, any stone can be the central piece of this ceremony, though, including one personally or professionally decorated for the event.
Oathing stones are carried by a trusted wedding attendant until needed, and are charged during the exchange of vows. It is held in the hands of those making the vows while those promises are repeated, making it also suitable for larger ceremonies.
According to tradition, the vows are made all the stronger by sealing them in the stone. It can then be set in a place of honor, whether that’s at the base of a special tree, on the mantle, or displayed in a cabinet or on a shelf made for that purpose. If you like, you can continue to work with the stone, for example by holding it again on your anniversary and reaffirming your pledges, or by giving it a drink of good whisky or another beverage of your choice from time to time. Another tradition is to toss it into a body of water, giving your promises to the earth itself.
How you adapt this practice for your wedding is best worked out between you and your officiant. No matter how it’s done, sealing your vows in stone is a powerful act.
Declaring two people married is an incredible honor. You’re getting to spend time with them on one of the best days of their lives. It’s many hours of work to craft and oversee the perfect wedding ceremony, but the end result is worth it even if the pay is low. I get to put a pin in this one day, a day that the couple will reflect on for years to come. I’ve never done work more satisfying.
Here are just a few of the reasons why I relish being in the marrying business:
Happiness is infectious
Weddings are happy occasions. Everyone there is rooting for the day to go well, and the guests of honor are surrounded by professionals who know how to ensure that it does. Caterers, photographers, florists, musicians, videographers, and officiants have seen it all—which means that even if there is a snafu, you might not see it yourself. That makes it all the easier to be lifted up on the rush of wedded bliss and yes, that is infectious! When I see the love shared before those guests, it puts a pep in my step. Weddings keep me happy, and weddings keep me young.
Couples are creative
I am a resource for what to do to personalize a wedding, but thankfully officiants are not the only resource or these ceremonies would become very, very boring. Couples propose novel ideas to me all the time, and I love that! I am up for anything, and I don’t want to get stuck in the rut of doing the same old thing. Need me to attend in a cloak, a Santa outfit, or birthday suit? I’m game. Want to exchange rings in the middle of a babbling brook without dropping one in the water? Let’s work it out. Need me to learn a blessing in a real or fictional language? Just get me the phonetics. Need to figure out how to incorporate bees into the ceremony? I’ll help you tell them about it. I’ll always suggest ideas if they fit with your style, but your imagination can take the lead whenever you like.
Fashion is fabulous
Those in a wedding party always like to put their best foot forward, but really everyone who goes to a wedding is saying something with their clothes. I love to see what people are wearing. My typical look includes tight braids, a stole over a sport jacket, and smart pair of Converse. Most bridal gowns have been white for a long time, but even if you stick with that tradition there is a lot of flair that can be added—especially for attendants. Guests have an even more free range.
Wedding venues are stunning
I’ve celebrated weddings on Hudson bluffs, in swanky catering halls, venerable chapels, decorated weekend rentals, lovingly appointed backyards, at the top of ski lifts, and at serene meditative resorts and city parks. No two are alike, but one quality they share is that they all are beautiful. Even if the weather is ominous, the location is invariably perfect, and it’s a real treat to get to see these locations when they’re being used for such a joyous occasion.
The secret is that weddings are magical, and wherever you choose to have yours, it’s going to be fantastic. This is a peak rite of passage that transcends culture and tradition. We have been choosing to marry for well over 43 centuries, and that’s only including what’s known from written records. It is an ancient practice that brings to bear the presence of our ancestors. There is a lot of seen and unseen forces working to ensure that beauty is all that remains for this day, and I bask in every moment.
Yes, the organizing can be stressful at times because there are a lot of factors to consider, but when you look back at your wedding, you will find that on this day, in this place, with these loved ones, this is a high point. It is my heartfelt honor to be part of your special day.
From time to time, a couple will want to include an element in the ceremony that’s unfamiliar. That’s something to talk about as soon as possible—ideally before even signing a contract. Wedding clients have every right to have confidence in their officiant to do what’s needed.
Sometimes, a specialist is going to be the best fit: someone who was steeped in the culture from childhood, or has been ordained in a certain religious practice. It can be the obvious choice if this is a wedding between people who share their background completely, or if certain traditions are extremely important to one and not at all important to others. If initiation into a closed religious or cultural tradition is required, by all means don’t ask this of an outsider. That would be disrespectful to all concerned.
Bringing together elements from different sources, though, is where an officiant with a background in multi-faith and non-theistic weddings can shine. This is the officiant who will admit to ignorance, if your preferred religious or cultural element is a novel one. That’s a good start.
Every ritual element is new to every celebrant at some point. You’re much better off with an officiant who admits to being unfamiliar. You can point an honest officiant toward authentic sources of knowledge, while the faker might just hallucinate with AI and never let you know. An open, curious mind is often the best quality in an officiant.
There may be as many ways to represent marriage as there are grains on sand on a beach. Beach sand, in fact, is part of one of these, the sand ceremony. Some couples like to take to the air by jumping the broom. Others show their bond with a ribbon or cord. Couples might share a drink, or smash a glass. These are not interchangeable parts—each carries with it symbolism particular to the people who practice it.
Whether you begin with your roots to decide what to include in your wedding, or with an internet search, or deep within your own imagination, hire an officiant you feel can be a partner in the creative process. That might mean sharing research tasks, but you could just need the officiant to say the exact words and perform the precise gestures that are required. Your level of comfort and confidence is far more important than the officiant’s present level of knowledge.
That’s why you should do more than exchange emails before hiring anyone: demand a conversation in person, or a video conference. Your heart will know even if your brain gets flustered.
Do you have non-human family members who are going to be part of your special day?
Many of the couples getting wed in or around the Gunks lately have pets in their lives. Cats and dogs especially were part of the pandemic experience, and became part of our lives.
Those pets are part of your household, and you might be thinking about including them in the ceremony. That might not be very easy if your special friend is a freshwater fish, but there’s a lot of air-breathing pets who could possibly be included. You know your pet better than anyone.
Some pets have been part of a shared household with the humans getting married for all their lives. Others are family members of one or the other, and setting up housekeeping includes figuring out how to weave in those routines. If your pet is getting used to a change in the household, that might be enough to process without adding in a wedding. Again, you know your pet better than anyone.
Dogs of all sizes can be ring-bearers, and while cats who are comfortable with crowds seem to be less common, they can too. Whether your ring-bearer is a cat, a dog, a juvenile human, or a mynah bird, you are going to need at least a ring-bearer wrangler, or else a ring-bearer bearer. Whoever bears the rings, they will do better if they are used to larger numbers of humans. If you don’t know your chosen ring-bearer well enough, ask their caregivers about their temperament in groups of strangers.
Not every animal can be assigned to carry jewelry or check invitations at the door, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they can’t be in attendance if their behavior won’t be disruptive. You get to decide what behavior counts as “disruptive,” though: for one couple who only brought friends to witness, leaving their dog at home wasn’t a consideration. It should be clear from this picture they sent that not much was going to disrupt their day! For others, maybe that would have been too much.
Non-human wedding guests can be every bit as important as the human ones, but it’s certainly worth balancing the desire for pets to be present and any allergies, fears, worries, and sensibilities of the others invited. How best to weigh those issues will vary based on the couple yourselves, and the guests you’re inviting. If nothing else, this officiant is not allergic to any animals.
As someone who has been married twice, I fully understand the angst that might be felt when preparing to tie the knot again. Whether your prior marriage ended due to death or decision, a lot of complicated feelings can arise. It’s may be helpful to work through those feelings—with a counselor, minister, or a trusted confidante, perhaps, or using a journal, meditation, prayer or other tools—before it comes time to decide on any vows.
To be clear, no one has to write their own vows. It can be quite moving to look into your partner’s eyes and share words from your own heart, but I write wedding vows for clients who don’t want to, which can take the stress off if writing just isn’t your thing.
Here are some tips for wedding vows for the previously wed.
Your former marriage is part of your life, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be central to this wedding day. What you choose to promise should be focused on what you hope to achieve together with your new partner. If you find that times when you fell short during your prior marriage are weighing on you, then find a way to give them a positive spin. If you regret not picking up your socks, then go ahead and promise to pick up your socks.
Focusing on what you were unhappy with in your previous marriage isn’t a good idea, at least when you’re writing vows. If you’re getting married to someone new, then by now you should have talked about prior challenges and decided that your new partner has different qualities than your last one did. Vows are not a vehicle for imposing expectations on your new spouse—if you’re going to impose expectations on anyone with your wedding vows, they should be on you. Stick to your picking up your socks, not telling them what to do with theirs.
Don’t call your prior marriage a mistake, no matter the circumstances. We are all shaped by our experiences, and that includes experiences that we regret. Just as important as not dwelling on perceived failings of the past is not pretending that the past didn’t happen at all. You are who you are in large part because of what’s happened and how you’ve addressed it. Instead of promising not to repeat past mistakes, shift your focus to what you wish your life with your new partner to be like instead. Maybe it’s time to switch to wearing sandals full time.
If you are blending two families—be it your children, your parents, your pets—consider including them in your vows by proclaiming how you want to be part of this larger grouping. Will you be helping schedule doctor’s appointments, shuttling family members to practices, or remodeling a home to accommodate new living arrangements? This may be an opportunity to lay out how seriously you take these new roles. Talking about these priorities in a group setting might be a very meaningful moment. You might be surprised how strongly some people feel about socks.
Marriage vows can be, or include, lighthearted promises such as not leaving wet towels on the floor. If you and your spouse-to-be will be surprising each other during the ceremony with your exact words, though, you might want to at least get on the same page as to tone. Vows that celebrate your belief in marriage can feel all the more poignant to someone who has been married before—but not if one of you gets heavy while the other keeps it light. If the constant reference to socks in this post feels jarring and you do not care for that feeling, then do what you can to avoid creating that feeling during the ceremony.
You might acknowledge what changes you will be making to how you manage resources. Marrying might involve moving, or opening a new bank account, or changing beneficiaries or health-care proxies. These changes might take more getting used to than they did during a first marriage, because lives tend to get more complicated over time. Vows that lift up those acts of faith being made by your partner might be received warmly. If you plan on leaving your new spouse a collection of vintage socks in your will, though, best not spring that while you’re making vows. It’s not all about socks.
Here are some resources with specific language that might be inspire your vows:
You can also always fall back on the rule of three for writing your own vows, which works whether this is your first trip down the aisle, or your tenth. It’s succinct and eloquent.
