If you’re in a polyamorous relationship, taking the next step is more complicated. Given that everything is a bit more complicated in a polycule, you may be uniquely prepared for this challenge.
Marriage, as defined in the United States, is a legal relationship limited to two adult human beings, which means that you’re going to have to get creative if you want to include marriage in your formal commitment. This is by no means required; anyone can have a commitment ceremony whether or not there will also be a marriage. Hiring a officiant who customizes each and every ceremony is important for that process; here’s some considerations as you work through your ideas.
How will you communicate with your officiant?
If you’re in a healthy polyamorous relationship, then you have gotten very good at communicating with one another. Even if your officiant is also experienced with polyamorous relationships, that officiant isn’t part of your polycule. Give some thought as to how you communicate among yourselves, and then ask your officiant for input on how to work together. The clearer everyone is on how you want to work together, the smoother the process will be. Consider asking questions such as:
To what extent does each of you want to be involved in creating the ceremony script?
Can you be disciplined enough not to talk over each other, to be mindful that the officiant may be taking notes?
Will you make space for your officiant to talk with each of you regardless, to get a sense of your individual personalities?
Will there be a legal marriage as part of the ceremony?
Just because marriage is limited to two individuals doesn’t mean that marriage can’t be part of the plans for your polycule. For example, I’m familiar with a four-person polycule who got married as two couples. There are legal benefits to marriage that are more difficult to recreate outside of that context, and just because your loving family is more complex than the societal norm doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve those benefits. However, due to that additional complexity, it’s probably worth it to consult some professionals, such as an estate lawyer and an accountant. If you can communicate your goals to these consultants, you may emerge with a strategy for how to achieve them.
On the other hand, there is no requirement that any marriage license be involved in this process. What works for one polycule isn’t necessarily the best option for any other. Communicate with one another, and take the time to test your own feelings.
ceremonial
Incorporating symbolism of unity into a polyamorous commitment ceremony
Many of the classic unity elements are designed for two people, but can be adapted.
Rings: it’s relatively easy to include rings as a symbol of this commitment. A ring-warming isn’t changed much at all; the main factor for this is the number of guests participating. For the actual exchange, thought must be given as to who shall place a ring on whose finger, and in what order. It might even make sense to do this simultaneously.
Handfasting is a beautiful way to show the connections among the ceremony participants, but the knot that’s commonly tied is designed for two people to pull the ends. For more than two, the officiant may be doing additional work, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
Sharing a cup such as the traditional Scottish quaich can be quite profound with three or more pledging their love or commitment to one another.
Sand ceremonies are also easily adapted to more than two, and the result can be a beautiful sand painting which will serve as an enduring reminder of how you have blended your distinctive energies together.
Vows are perhaps more important for three or more than they are for a mere couple. You are committing yourself to each individual, and to the entire polycule. This is a moment when you can declare to each other, your guests, and the entire universe what you mean to each other, and how you intend to show it. For that reason, canned vows might not cut it. Your officiant might have suggestions as to the types of promises to make and things to say, but as with everything in the polyamorous life, communication with your partners is essential.
When it comes down to it, love is love. Not all love has a legal definition, and that’s okay. If you’re ready to declare your love before friends and family, send a message! Your love deserves a lovely ceremony.
In New York, it’s actually possible to change one’s name simply by changing it. Here’s what’s written on the state’s web site:
Every person has the right to adopt any name by which he or she wishes to be known simply by using that name consistently and without intent to defraud. A person’s last name (surname) does not automatically change upon marriage, and neither party to the marriage is required to change his or her last name. Parties to a marriage need not take the same last name.
While that’s a cromulent approach, having a legal record of a changed name is extremely helpful in our bureaucratic society. Marriage is an uncomplicated way to create that record, one that doesn’t carry with it any legal fees or other financial costs. It is also somewhat limited. Again, the information about name-change options for marriage from the official state source is as follows:
One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the surname by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage license. The new name must consist of one of the following options:
the surname of the other spouse;
any former surname of either spouse;
a name combining into a single surname all or a segment of the premarriage surname or any former surname of each spouse;
a combination name separated by a hyphen or a space, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses.
One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the middle name by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage license. The new middle name must consist of one of the following options:
the current surname of the spouse electing to change his or her name;
any former surname of the spouse electing to change his or her name;
the surname of the other spouse.
There’s a nice guide to all the government officials who will need to be notified of your new name on wedding wire, but outside of that list, the information on that page isn’t entirely accurate. As of this writing, there’s a claim that state record-keepers are “open to pretty much anything you can come up with” when it comes to changing a name through a marriage; this is simply not true. You certainly can pursue another legal avenue to create a new name for yourself, but the criteria for a marital change are limited to those specified above. The text also leaves the impression that county clerks issue marriage licenses and certificates; this is false. These documents are obtained from a city or town clerk. Always trust information from an official source over what one might read on a corporate web site. Writers for these web sites—assuming that the text is written by humans at all, and not an artificial intelligence—may not have ever set foot in New York, and probably have churned out boilerplate articles without any editorial oversight to ensure that facts are checked for accuracy.
Similarly, there’s an article on the findlaw site about marital name changes that’s also not accurate when it comes to getting married in New York. The facts of that article were reviewed by an Ohio attorney, one who seems not to be aware of the peculiar limits in place in this state. There is certainly room for creativity, but the claim that it’s possible to “come up with a completely new and different name” is inconsistent with the New York health department information that’s shared here. That link is included because there’s an even more thorough list of entities to inform about the new name.
Your name is yours to cherish for life if you wish, but marriage in New York provides a straightforward way to make certain changes. Choose wisely.
Your privacy is more important than business promotion. If you need to keep pictures and video of your ceremony off the internet, that’s okay.
Weddings in the Gunks is a ministry of marriage, but it’s a ministry that is run like a business. That’s why permission to use images and videos from the ceremony is part of the standard contract: authentic content shows what to expect on your special day. Growing this business may one day allow me to devote my life to bringing this unique kind of joy into the lives of my clients. That’s why being able to share images and video is important to me.
Sometimes, it doesn’t feel okay to have images or video of this moment of joy shared by a third party. There are lots of different reasons for this, including privacy for high-profile individuals, or for those whose right to marry or very identity have become political and divisive in our culture. My priority is your wedding, not my promotion. If you need guardrails on what I will do with your content, then let’s talk about it.
To be clear, at Weddings in the Gunks I will marry any couple who is able to obtain a marriage license, and I will perform commitment ceremonies for whoever desires them. The only limits I place upon my work are the ones imposed by my body; if you want an officiant who is able to perform an underwater ceremony without breathing that lasts four minutes or longer, I may not be the best fit for you. I will never personally place limits on your relationship.
Yes, I really do appreciate using your wedding videos and video to show others that I do this work and that I love what I do, and you will be asked—but you never will be pressured. Your comfort, your privacy, and your safety are a priority. This is a ministry of joy, and that essential work would be undone if I left my clients with bad tastes in their mouths by trying to wheedle out of them something they aren’t comfortable sharing. I certainly hope my clients will be willing to leave a review, in any case.
If you’re interested in finding out if I am a good fit, why not contact me to schedule a video consultation?
