As someone who has been married twice, I fully understand the angst that might be felt when preparing to tie the knot again. Whether your prior marriage ended due to death or decision, a lot of complicated feelings can arise. It’s may be helpful to work through those feelings—with a counselor, minister, or a trusted confidante, perhaps, or using a journal, meditation, prayer or other tools—before it comes time to decide on any vows.
To be clear, no one has to write their own vows. It can be quite moving to look into your partner’s eyes and share words from your own heart, but I write wedding vows for clients who don’t want to, which can take the stress off if writing just isn’t your thing.
Here are some tips for wedding vows for the previously wed.
Your former marriage is part of your life, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be central to this wedding day. What you choose to promise should be focused on what you hope to achieve together with your new partner. If you find that times when you fell short during your prior marriage are weighing on you, then find a way to give them a positive spin. If you regret not picking up your socks, then go ahead and promise to pick up your socks.
Focusing on what you were unhappy with in your previous marriage isn’t a good idea, at least when you’re writing vows. If you’re getting married to someone new, then by now you should have talked about prior challenges and decided that your new partner has different qualities than your last one did. Vows are not a vehicle for imposing expectations on your new spouse—if you’re going to impose expectations on anyone with your wedding vows, they should be on you. Stick to your picking up your socks, not telling them what to do with theirs.
Don’t call your prior marriage a mistake, no matter the circumstances. We are all shaped by our experiences, and that includes experiences that we regret. Just as important as not dwelling on perceived failings of the past is not pretending that the past didn’t happen at all. You are who you are in large part because of what’s happened and how you’ve addressed it. Instead of promising not to repeat past mistakes, shift your focus to what you wish your life with your new partner to be like instead. Maybe it’s time to switch to wearing sandals full time.
If you are blending two families—be it your children, your parents, your pets—consider including them in your vows by proclaiming how you want to be part of this larger grouping. Will you be helping schedule doctor’s appointments, shuttling family members to practices, or remodeling a home to accommodate new living arrangements? This may be an opportunity to lay out how seriously you take these new roles. Talking about these priorities in a group setting might be a very meaningful moment. You might be surprised how strongly some people feel about socks.
Marriage vows can be, or include, lighthearted promises such as not leaving wet towels on the floor. If you and your spouse-to-be will be surprising each other during the ceremony with your exact words, though, you might want to at least get on the same page as to tone. Vows that celebrate your belief in marriage can feel all the more poignant to someone who has been married before—but not if one of you gets heavy while the other keeps it light. If the constant reference to socks in this post feels jarring and you do not care for that feeling, then do what you can to avoid creating that feeling during the ceremony.
You might acknowledge what changes you will be making to how you manage resources. Marrying might involve moving, or opening a new bank account, or changing beneficiaries or health-care proxies. These changes might take more getting used to than they did during a first marriage, because lives tend to get more complicated over time. Vows that lift up those acts of faith being made by your partner might be received warmly. If you plan on leaving your new spouse a collection of vintage socks in your will, though, best not spring that while you’re making vows. It’s not all about socks.
Here are some resources with specific language that might be inspire your vows:
You can also always fall back on the rule of three for writing your own vows, which works whether this is your first trip down the aisle, or your tenth. It’s succinct and eloquent.
In the western world, white is the go-to color choice for anyone getting married in a dress. It’s hard to sort out clickbait from reliable sources when it comes to wedding history, but it seems clear that Victoria popularized the tradition, which may have been known to other European monarchs for generations beforehand.
An unattributed poem dating to the mid-nineteenth century captures a sense of what nearlyweds aspired to in English-speaking cultures of the day:
Married in white, you have chosen right Married in grey, you will go far away Married in black, you will wish yourself back Married in red, you will wish yourself dead Married in green, ashamed to be seen Married in blue, you will always be true Married in pearl, you will live in a whirl Married in yellow, ashamed of your fellow Married in brown, you will live in the town Married in pink, your spirit will sink.
There’s plenty of other options for wedding colors beyond that poem. There’s a multicolored collection of wedding outfits at the Charleston Museum, dating from the nineteenth and twentieth centuries; that page also provides a different take on the symbolism of color:
In other cultures and in earlier times, colors were chosen for marriages based on their symbolic meanings. Green was often considered a symbol of fertility; blue was associated with the Virgin Mary and her innocence and motherhood. Red was worn in Eastern countries for weddings as a source of good luck. Yellow was the classic color of Hymen, the god of marriage for the Romans – who often wore a flame-yellow veil and saffron-colored shoes. In 18th century America, yellow was a popular wedding color, with blue second and lilac third. White and silver were in vogue for many 1750 British brides. And white has endured, symbolic of purity – impractical and thus even more special. It was often chosen to show off one’s wealth or royalty, as were the lengthy veils and elaborate styles of the dresses themselves.
Practicality is also an historic tradition: to one’s wedding, one might wear the finest clothing one owns, regardless of color.
White has become a classic, but it’s not the only option. If it speaks to you, wonderful! The image of a flowing white garment has strong wedding associations. If you’re thinking about something with a different style or palette, though, don’t shy away simply because it’s less common. This is your wedding, and you may have reasons that are more important to you than adhering to U.S. tradition. Maybe blue is what makes you feel true, and maybe not. What’s important is to be true to yourselves as you start in this new phase of life.
The first wedding I ever officiated was for family members, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The second wedding I officiated was for one of my oldest friends. After each ceremony, I felt like a minor celebrity myself. I’d made the magic happen. I was responsible for helping people I care about start their lives together. It was magical. It was beautiful. I’ll never forget those experiences.
Marrying the future parents of my future grandchildren
It was also the most effort I have ever put into a wedding gift in my entire life.
Officiating for friends or family is a gift like no other. You can be sure that there won’t be anything like it brought by anyone else. If you ask someone dear to you for this, it will touch them deeply, too. The amount of love and trust behind such a request is profound.
Before you make this request, though, make sure you’re clear what you will be asking. Officiating a wedding includes:
making sure you’re legally able to perform the ceremony and sign the paperwork (which in New York, at least, isn’t that difficult)
being comfortable speaking in public (and, if there won’t be amplification, having a voice that carries far enough for everyone to hear)
working with you to come up with the ceremony script that fits your preferences, by writing it entirely or by researching existing scripts and customizing the elements
rehearsing lines and ceremony details, either solo or with the wedding party
From the first conversation through sending the paperwork back to the town clerk, I’ll be spending at least 10 hours working on any wedding—not including travel. That first one took me more time than that, because I was still learning what questions I needed to ask, and I was also more than a little bit nervous about getting everything right. I could have shaved it down by finding a canned script to read, but that wasn’t a good fit for me.
This is a big investment of time, learning, and love. If your purpose is to find a way to include someone in a very special way, by all means do ask! If your main concern is to save money, you should be aware that despite often being the only role you are legally required to fill during your ceremony, wedding officiants are typically among the least expensive vendors. You should also consider how to balance balance the personal and the professional when asking any friend to help out with your wedding.
When your officiant is someone from your inner circle, they are going to have an experience much like anyone else in your wedding party: a whirlwind of activity that may leave them with little time to enjoy your special day. (To be fair, that’s how a lot of couples experience their own wedding, too.) Make sure that whoever you ask is clear about the effort that’s needed, and be aware that being asked is such an honor that some people will find it hard to refuse—even if they want to. What you don’t want is to create hard feelings or have to hire an officiant if your loved one bows out later on.
Again, it’s beautiful to have a special person perform a ceremony of matrimony for you. If there is someone in your life that fits the bill, go for it! Just be clear on what’s expected, and be willing to take “no” for an answer. If the request is declined, I would be happy to help you find another way to include that loved one. Reach out to set up a free consultation.
A poignant way to represent what changes during marriage is to exchange stefana on the heads of the couple. This is a unity ceremony that touches on the additional roles and responsibilities being placed upon those who are being wed. Widely used in Greek orthodox ceremonies, these wreaths have roots that can be traced back long before Christianity was developed.
Some comments on word usage: stefana is the plural form of stefanos; “stefanas” is always incorrect. The plural is the more common word to see in this context, because for weddings, they come in pairs. It’s also redundant to use “stefana crowns,” since the word means “garland” or “crown.” Greek words are written using a different alphabet, and for that reason this one is sometimes translated using the spelling “stephana,” but that’s not nearly as common.
In a Greek orthodox wedding, the priest places a stefanos on the head of the groom, and then intones a prayer three times that celebrates that man’s* role as a servant to that religion’s central deity. A second stefanos, which is attached to the first with a long ribbon, is placed on the bride’s head with a similar invocation. The crowns remain in place for the remainder of the ceremony, and traditionally for some time after that. Once woven of flowers or other plants, stefana in the 21st century are more likely to be long-lasting keepsakes fashioned of much more durable materials, including silver and gold.
The use of wreaths to crown individuals dates back into the ancient period of Greek history, and perhaps earlier.
*The gendered language describing Greek orthodox weddings is intentional. Same-sex weddings were legalized in Greece in February, 2024, but church leaders opposed the change. To my understanding, same-sex unions are not available in any Greek orthodox church, anywhere on the planet. The theological basis for that position is clearly important to adherents of that faith. Rest assured your officiants at Weddings in the Gunks are not ordained through that church. If you wish to incorporate this tradition to honor your spiritual or cultural heritage, then your ceremony will include those elements—it’s as simple as that.
The practice of warming rings at a wedding is said to have Irish roots. The basic form involves the bands being passed among some or all of the guests, who physically warm them with their hands while also imbuing them with positive hopes and wishes for the couple being married. It’s a lovely way to shift guests from audience members to participants. As it’s not a standard part of a traditional contemporary American wedding, the officiant should take time to explain its significance. In the alternative, information about warming of rings can be included in the invitation.
Logistics of a ring-warming ceremony
If you’re going to ask for the rings to be warmed, consider these questions:
do you want the rings to remain in a single location where the guests come up one by one, or should they be passed to people in their seats?
who will be in charge of monitoring the rings, to make sure that all intended guests have access, and that they’re available by the time they are needed for placing on fingers?
will the rings remain in a container such as a pouch, or will they be handled directly?
if only a portion of guests will be warming the rings during the ceremony, will everyone else be included in some way?
The answers to these questions will depend on factors ranging from your love of your guests to your anxiety about a ring being misplaced. No one wants to see a ring fall between floorboards! On the other hand, having guests lay their hands on those rings can form incredible memories. Sometimes, one or both members of the couple fashion their own rings—which can amplify either of those feelings.
Having the officiant be the only one to warm the rings is an option that we’ve included. Another has been to allow the ring physically to be warmed by members of the immediate family before they are exchanged, and invite other guests to confer their own blessings on the rings after the ceremony—once they’re securely on their intended fingers. A third option would be to have the ring bearer or another designated individual hold the rings aloft, and allow everyone to confer their wishes or blessings at the same time.
Include whoever you choose
Being broadly inclusive of your guests is a kind gesture, but on this day you might prefer to call out those closest to you to participate in this special way. You may even wish to bring the rings on visits to loved ones who won’t be able to attend in person, in order to give them an opportunity. In fact, the entire matter of warming rings might be done privately, months or hours or minutes ahead of the formalities, if that is your desire. All you need do is let your officiant know what you intend, as with all elements of the ceremony.
Ultimately, the only people who need to be satisfied with if and how to include warming of the rings are those who will be wearing them. Realistically, the feelings of certain loved ones might play an outsized role in helping you make those decisions. Be clear on your own vision, and on which stakeholders you want to bring in for input, as you decide on this and every part of your wedding. It’s your day, after all.
Your wedding should reflect your values: who you are, what communities you belong to, and who you stand for are all part of those values. An aspect that doesn’t get as much attention is how the officiant addresses you during the ceremony, as well as at its conclusion.
This isn’t about the names on the marriage license—that’s an important decision, but not one that matters during the ceremony. To get that license, you’ve proven your identities to a town or city clerk, and the officiant doesn’t have to confirm that information, or even use those particular legal names out loud. It’s possible that your legal names are music to your ears, but if that’s not true, no worries! You can be referred to and addressed by names of your choosing, and it won’t affect the legality of the ceremony. If your ceremony isn’t going to be a marriage in the legal sense, then it’s even easier, but in New York the requirements are not very difficult in any case.
A recommendation is to use names that you respond to normally. Calling someone “William” when their friends all know them as “Bill” is going to make for a stiff and uncomfortable ceremony—especially if Bill only got called William when having gotten into trouble. Weddings are a time of joy! Using names that make you feel tense is pretty much the opposite of joy. Let’s not do that.
If you decide on a Weddings in the Gunks officiant, you’re going to have a workshop session to talk about what you want in your ceremony, and what you do not want. Let’s be clear on what names you want to be spoken, and which ones should remain on paper and never get uttered on your special day.
At the end of a wedding, you might want the officiant to announce you by your married names. This might also be done when you arrive at the reception; in that case, it’s typically a DJ or another person announcing you. No matter who does it, the first time the world is introduced to your married selves, make sure the announcer is clear on how you want it phrased. It’s not unusual to offer more formal names for this moment, but again, it’s not required. For some people, the names on that license are an exciting first line of a new chapter in life. For others, those names might be dead, and uncomfortable to hear. Don’t leave this important moment to chance. Be clear about your identities, and how you wish to have them presented to your loved ones at this moment of joy.
