The breaking of a glass with a solid stomp of the foot comes from Jewish tradition, and is a recognizable element in many fictional weddings depicted on film and stage. Traditionally a glass is broken by the groom and attendees shouts “mazel tov,” which marks the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the celebration.
Traditional Jewish significance of breaking a glass
Rabbis have written no small amount the symbolism of breaking a glass during a wedding. In a traditional ceremony there are two cups used; one for the betrothal, and another for the nuptials. Its breaking is believed by some scholars to represent the destruction of the temple at Jerusalem, and the hope that the relationship with Jews and their deity might be restored as surely as glass can be melted and repaired. Others have argued that it is intended to temper the unbridled joy and intoxication that such a celebration might encourage; there are stories of rabbis who broke a glass to shock guests into sobriety. Yet another interpretation is that the act captures some of the essence of a Talmudic observation that “joining two people in marriage is as difficult as splitting the sea.” Breaking a glass in joy can also be seen as an attempt to counteract the divine consequences of the breaking of the tablets by Moses, which was done out of anger.
Contemporary symbolism of breaking the glass
When I’ve witnessed a glass being broken, it’s always been an acknowledgment of Jewish custom. Rather than using one of the ceremonial cups as might be dictated by strict adherence to tradition, a glass—sometimes a light bulb instead, because it sounds more dramatic—is wrapped in a cloth and placed before the groom. The guests I’ve spoken to have had different interpretations of its meaning than the rabbis who study these questions. These include:
representing the suffering that Jews have endured throughout their history,
a blessing that the marriage shall last as long as it would take to reassemble the glass,
that this is the last time that the groom will “put his foot down,”
a reminder, by smashing something valuable, that marriage is not about material possessions,
a charm to transfer the cracks that might grow in this relationship to the glass instead, and
a reminder of the fragility of human relationships, and that both joy and sadness lie ahead.
A cultural conclusion to a wedding
Breaking of a glass carries a lot of symbolism, and specifically calls back to Jewish culture and heritage. It’s a satisfying way to conclude a wedding ceremony, and invariably is followed by joy and celebration. It may be an appropriate finish to the ceremony, even if it’s not one performed by a rabbi and drawing upon the more sacred Jewish traditions, if recognizing Jewish heritage is important to those being married and their families.
Weddings can be bittersweet. There’s likely going to be a lot of happiness, and looking to the future; it can also be a day to remember loved ones who didn’t live to attend in body. Acknowledging those special people who passed on before your special day can help transform any sadness or grief you might be feeling. This post will include several suggestions for doing this.
“Beloved dead” vs “ancestors”
For the purposes of this post, the phrase “beloved dead” is specifically intended to mean people whom you shared a relationship close enough to experience love, and who are now deceased. This is in contrast to “ancestors,” a term that for this post is defined as those people to whom you have ties of blood or inspiration, and who died before you were born.
There are ancestor veneration practices in every culture. I maintain an ancestor practice, and many of the suggestions here could be used for people in either category. The difference is that since we knew our beloved dead in life, those relationships still carry emotions from that life together. A relationship with someone you never knew in life just hits different. It might be appropriate to honor one or more ancestors, too.
Set a seat at the table
You can reserve a seat for a deceased love one—or more than one, as they don’t take up much space. Just drop a “reserved for ____” placard wherever you would like them to sit; I’ve also seen it suggested that in place a placard, you could hang one of their jackets over the chair. This is also possible for the reception, but check with your caterer to find out if this will incur charges, and budget accordingly.
Remember them in the program
Write a dedication to someone you wish could have been there in person. It can be as simple as listing a name or names under the heading of “in loving memory,” but you could also include a brief quote or anecdote or picture, if that feels right.
Ask them to attend
I’ve had clients who asked me to specifically invite the attendance of a departed family member, before moving into the bulk of the ceremony. Your beloved dead are probably going to be there in spirit either way, but it’s nice to be asked. If you want to take an extra step, address an invitation and leave it graveside.
Include a shrine
Create a small area with pictures or other memories of your beloved dead. This might be a photo board, or a small table upon which is placed items like a framed picture, lit candle, or personal possessions of the deceased. Depending on the layout of the venue, a procession can stop there to acknowledge the loved one, or it might be better sited to allow guests to interact before or after the ceremony. A minimalist version might be to wear or openly carry a locket containing the loved one’s image.
Your loved ones will be with you, today and always
Getting married after a loved one has passed away can bring up complex emotions. It’s sad to know that they won’t be there to see this happy day with their own eyes, but it might also be nice to know that that special someone would have been happy for you. If there is someone who will be on your mind as your take this important step, it’s okay to remember them on your wedding day. Do it publicly, if that feels right, or do it privately. How each of us remember, and how each of us grieve, is an individual journey. Just be true to yourself, your traditions, and the relationship you had with whoever can’t make it in body, and try to find comfort in how they might have enjoyed celebrating with you.
The unity ceremony of drinking from a quaich carries deep and poignant symbolism with it. A quaich is a two-handled cup traditionally made from wood, but many modern versions are metal. While any beverage may be consumed from a quaich, it is most strongly associated with Scotch whisky. The word “quaich” derives from an older Scottish word for “cup,” which means both that “quaich cup” is redundant, and that “quaich” is a common noun that requires no capitalization. However, the etymology is only one interesting aspect of this object, which has taken on a special role in Scots and Scottish-inspired weddings.
During a wedding, the couple together drains the quaich as a way of proclaiming that they are family. This video gives more context.
There are many versions of the traditional words that can be said before, during, and after the quaich is emptied; my clients are welcome to ask for something more aligned with their values, as well.
Variations for a quaich ceremony include:
having the quaich filled by a friend or family member,
selecting a beverage other than whisky, including possibly a blend of liquids,
turning the cup upside-down on a table, or on the head of one of the couple, and
having the cup served by members of the family or wedding party, instead of to each other.
A concept that is central to the sharing of the quaich is that by sharing this cup, you can’t do harm or injury to one another.
If you’d like a custom wedding ceremony that includes a quaich or another tradition that speaks to your own values, reach out for a free consultation.
Sand ceremonies are a beautiful act of unity, with sand from more than one container being combined in much the same way that our lives are combined in marriage. Some of my wedding clients want to celebrate the individuality that continues even when lives are deeply combined. When I hear that desire, I often suggest a sand ceremony. It’s possible to pick out the individual grains, I point out, but they are also changed by being together.
There’s another ceremony I facilitate, a blending of the home soils. It’s not always as colorful, but it can strike a chord. Like a sand ceremony, it involves combining something from each party to the marriage. Instead of sands that might be selected for grain size or color, among other factors, the home soil is dug from wherever is home and mixed in a pot or bowl. It can be kept in a decorative container in the post-wedding home, or it can be used for planting, representing this new life together in a visceral way.
Interested in learning more about incorporating forms of earth into your ceremony? Contact me for a consultation.
Like many modern wedding traditions, jumping the broom has many stories about its origin and purpose, and it’s a ceremony that holds different meaning for different people who do it. The practice may have developed independently in Wales and the American South, and according to folklore the common element is that the broom was jumped by oppressed people who weren’t allowed a legal marriage: the Romani in Wales, and enslaved African Americans in the USA.
Drawing on those traditional understandings, jumping the broom is a way to honor ancestors and their struggles, or to express solidarity with others who have been oppressed.
There is also religious symbolism that can be seen in the broom. Some christians see the handle as representing their deity, and the bristles their families. In certain pagan traditions, the broom represents a blending of masculine and feminine energies. More broadly, jumping the broom is considered a blessing upon the marriage.
If you’re trying to bring together various ideas to create your wedding ceremony, you’re in the right place. Ceremony consultation is part of the officiant service at Weddings in the Gunks.
Not everyone stresses over what to wear to their own wedding.
Not everyone stresses over how to dress the wedding party.
Not everyone thinks about how the parents’ outfits will look together in wedding pictures.
There are some who feel that being clothed in the sky is the best way to dress for one’s wedding—that is to say that they want to get married naked. Nudity is how we come into this world, and there are those who want to mark this profound rite of passage dressed in the same way.
I officiate naturist and nudist weddings. It’s not my place to tell you how to dress for your own wedding, or to tell you what to ask your wedding party or guests to wear, either. I support the idea that not wearing clothing is natural and healthy, even though it’s not a lifestyle I practice.
Tips for planning a nudist wedding
Communicate with your wedding party, vendors, and guests as early as possible. Make sure everyone who will be attending or participating understands who is expected not to be wearing clothing, and when. Be prepared to answer all questions, even if they seem silly: this can be a way that your loved ones process a new experience.
Make plans without pockets:
rings, handfasting cords, and other items either need to be carried by hand, or placed up front ahead of time.
if you’re writing your own vows, make sure your attendant is ready with a copy for you to read—even if the plan is to memorize them. Memories can fail when you’re nervous.
make sure that there’s a pen available, for signing the marriage license
Have sunscreen available if the ceremony or reception will be outside, especially if some of your guests don’t spend as much time in the sun as they may on your special day.
No matter how you wish to dress for your wedding, I will work with you to create the ceremony that roots you in the magic of this moment. Contact me for a quote.
