What shall you be called you during your wedding?

What shall you be called you during your wedding?

Your wedding should reflect your values: who you are, what communities you belong to, and who you stand for are all part of those values. An aspect that doesn’t get as much attention is how the officiant addresses you during the ceremony, as well as at its conclusion.

assorted-color of name cards

This isn’t about the names on the marriage license—that’s an important decision, but not one that matters during the ceremony. To get that license, you’ve proven your identities to a town or city clerk, and the officiant doesn’t have to confirm that information, or even use those particular legal names out loud. It’s possible that your legal names are music to your ears, but if that’s not true, no worries! You can be referred to and addressed by names of your choosing, and it won’t affect the legality of the ceremony. If your ceremony isn’t going to be a marriage in the legal sense, then it’s even easier, but in New York the requirements are not very difficult in any case.

Since that’s the case, let’s make sure the names used are ones you respond to normally. Calling someone “William” when their friends all know them as “Bill” is going to make for a stiff and uncomfortable ceremony—especially if Bill only got called William when having gotten into trouble. Weddings are a time of joy! Using names that make you feel tense is pretty much the opposite of joy. Let’s not do that.

Once you’ve decided on the officiant who fits your needs, you’re going to have a workshop session to talk about what you want in your ceremony, and what you do not want. Let’s be clear on what names you want to be spoken, and which ones should remain on paper and never get pronounced on your special day.

At the end of a wedding, you might want the officiant to announce you by your married names. This might also be done when you arrive at the reception; in that case, it’s typically a DJ or another person announcing you. No matter who does it, the first time the world is introduced to your married selves, make sure the announcer is clear on how you want it phrased. It’s not unusual to offer more formal names for this moment, but again, it’s not required. For some people, the names on that license are an exciting first line of a new chapter in life. For others, those names might be dead, and uncomfortable to hear. Don’t leave this important moment to chance. Be clear about your identities, and how you wish to have them presented to your loved ones at this moment of joy.

Breaking a glass to end your wedding ceremony

Breaking a glass to end your wedding ceremony

The breaking of a glass with a solid stomp of the foot comes from Jewish tradition, and is a recognizable element in many fictional weddings depicted on film and stage. Traditionally a glass is broken by the groom and attendees shouts “mazel tov,” which marks the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the celebration.

Traditional Jewish significance of breaking a glass

Rabbis have written no small amount the symbolism of breaking a glass during a wedding. In a traditional ceremony there are two cups used; one for the betrothal, and another for the nuptials. Its breaking is believed by some scholars to represent the destruction of the temple at Jerusalem, and the hope that the relationship with Jews and their deity might be restored as surely as glass can be melted and repaired. Others have argued that it is intended to temper the unbridled joy and intoxication that such a celebration might encourage; there are stories of rabbis who broke a glass to shock guests into sobriety. Yet another interpretation is that the act captures some of the essence of a Talmudic observation that “joining two people in marriage is as difficult as splitting the sea.” Breaking a glass in joy can also be seen as an attempt to counteract the divine consequences of the breaking of the tablets by Moses, which was done out of anger.

Contemporary symbolism of breaking the glass

When I’ve witnessed a glass being broken, it’s always been an acknowledgment of Jewish custom. Rather than using one of the ceremonial cups as might be dictated by strict adherence to tradition, a glass—sometimes a light bulb instead, because it sounds more dramatic—is wrapped in a cloth and placed before the groom. The guests I’ve spoken to have had different interpretations of its meaning than the rabbis who study these questions. These include:

  • representing the suffering that Jews have endured throughout their history,
  • a blessing that the marriage shall last as long as it would take to reassemble the glass,
  • that this is the last time that the groom will “put his foot down,”
  • a reminder, by smashing something valuable, that marriage is not about material possessions,
  • a charm to transfer the cracks that might grow in this relationship to the glass instead, and
  • a reminder of the fragility of human relationships, and that both joy and sadness lie ahead.

A cultural conclusion to a wedding

Breaking of a glass carries a lot of symbolism, and specifically calls back to Jewish culture and heritage. It’s a satisfying way to conclude a wedding ceremony, and invariably is followed by joy and celebration. It may be an appropriate finish to the ceremony, even if it’s not one performed by a rabbi and drawing upon the more sacred Jewish traditions, if recognizing Jewish heritage is important to those being married and their families.

Honoring your beloved dead in your wedding ceremony

Honoring your beloved dead in your wedding ceremony

Weddings can be bittersweet. There’s likely going to be a lot of happiness, and looking to the future; it can also be a day to remember loved ones who didn’t live to attend in body. Acknowledging those special people who passed on before your special day can help transform any sadness or grief you might be feeling. This post will include several suggestions for doing this.

“Beloved dead” vs “ancestors”

For the purposes of this post, the phrase “beloved dead” is specifically intended to mean people whom you shared a relationship close enough to experience love, and who are now deceased. This is in contrast to “ancestors,” a term that for this post is defined as those people to whom you have ties of blood or inspiration, and who died before you were born.

There are ancestor veneration practices in every culture. I maintain an ancestor practice, and many of the suggestions here could be used for people in either category. The difference is that since we knew our beloved dead in life, those relationships still carry emotions from that life together. A relationship with someone you never knew in life just hits different. It might be appropriate to honor one or more ancestors, too.

Set a seat at the table

You can reserve a seat for a deceased love one—or more than one, as they don’t take up much space. Just drop a “reserved for ____” placard wherever you would like them to sit; I’ve also seen it suggested that in place a placard, you could hang one of their jackets over the chair. This is also possible for the reception, but check with your caterer to find out if this will incur charges, and budget accordingly.

Remember them in the program

Write a dedication to someone you wish could have been there in person. It can be as simple as listing a name or names under the heading of “in loving memory,” but you could also include a brief quote or anecdote or picture, if that feels right.

Ask them to attend

I’ve had clients who asked me to specifically invite the attendance of a departed family member, before moving into the bulk of the ceremony. Your beloved dead are probably going to be there in spirit either way, but it’s nice to be asked. If you want to take an extra step, address an invitation and leave it graveside.

Include a shrine

Create a small area with pictures or other memories of your beloved dead. This might be a photo board, or a small table upon which is placed items like a framed picture, lit candle, or personal possessions of the deceased. Depending on the layout of the venue, a procession can stop there to acknowledge the loved one, or it might be better sited to allow guests to interact before or after the ceremony. A minimalist version might be to wear or openly carry a locket containing the loved one’s image.

Your loved ones will be with you, today and always

Getting married after a loved one has passed away can bring up complex emotions. It’s sad to know that they won’t be there to see this happy day with their own eyes, but it might also be nice to know that that special someone would have been happy for you. If there is someone who will be on your mind as your take this important step, it’s okay to remember them on your wedding day. Do it publicly, if that feels right, or do it privately. How each of us remember, and how each of us grieve, is an individual journey. Just be true to yourself, your traditions, and the relationship you had with whoever can’t make it in body, and try to find comfort in how they might have enjoyed celebrating with you.

the Scottish tradition of drinking from the quaich

The unity ceremony of drinking from a quaich carries deep and poignant symbolism with it. A quaich is a two-handled cup traditionally made from wood, but many modern versions are metal. While any beverage may be consumed from a quaich, it is most strongly associated with Scotch whisky. The word “quaich” derives from an older Scottish word for “cup,” which means both that “quaich cup” is redundant, and that “quaich” is a common noun that requires no capitalization. However, the etymology is only one interesting aspect of this object, which has taken on a special role in Scots and Scottish-inspired weddings.

During a wedding, the couple together drains the quaich as a way of proclaiming that they are family. This video gives more context.

There are many versions of the traditional words that can be said before, during, and after the quaich is emptied; my clients are welcome to ask for something more aligned with their values, as well.

Variations for a quaich ceremony include:

  • having the quaich filled by a friend or family member,
  • selecting a beverage other than whisky, including possibly a blend of liquids,
  • turning the cup upside-down on a table, or on the head of one of the couple, and
  • having the cup served by members of the family or wedding party, instead of to each other.

A concept that is central to the sharing of the quaich is that by sharing this cup, you can’t do harm or injury to one another.

If you’d like a custom wedding ceremony that includes a quaich or another tradition that speaks to your own values, reach out for a free consultation.

getting to “I do”

getting to “I do”

The goal of any legal wedding—and a decent number of other commitment ceremonies—is to seal the deal with “I do” or other language that clearly states, “Yes, I will marry you.” How we get to that point of the wedding, what comes before and after, and all the rest is, in New York at least, pretty much up to you. That’s why every ceremony offered through Weddings in the Gunks is created using a collaborative process that ensures that it is going to reflect your values.

brown wooden round ornament on brown wooden table

One of the basic decisions in the classic American wedding format is whether this portion of the event is going to be phrased as a question, or a call-and-response process, or if the words will memorized ahead or time or read from the page entirely by the couple themselves.

Here’s the language that many will find familiar, if not from their own experience, from popular culture:

Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, for as long as you both shall live?

This is the declaration of intent, which is central to any wedding. In this format, each person would respond to the question with the classic “I do,” which is what everyone is there to witness.

When it’s done as a call and response, the officiant feeds the words to each participant:

Repeat after me: “I, Chrysanthemum,”

“I, Chrysanthemum,”

take you, Pennyfarthing,”

“take you, Pennyfarthing,”

to be my lawfully wedded spouse,”

“to be my lawfully wedded spouse,”

“to have and to hold,”

“to have and to hold,”

from this day forward,”

“from this day forward,”

in sickness and in health,”

“in sickness and in health,”

for richer or for poorer,”

“for richer or for poorer,”

for as long as we both shall live.”

“for as long as we both shall live.”

There is no explicit “I do,” but the declaration of intent remains.

In the third variant, you’ll either memorize the whole shebang, or have it printed in a handy format to read aloud. (Your Weddings in the Gunks officiant always has a copy of the entire script, which will come in handy just in case something goes awry with and there’s nothing to read from.)

How do you want to get to “I do?” The choice is up to you.