As someone who has been married twice, I fully understand the angst that might be felt when preparing to tie the knot again. Whether your prior marriage ended due to death or decision, a lot of complicated feelings can arise. It’s may be helpful to work through those feelings—with a counselor, minister, or a trusted confidante, perhaps, or using a journal, meditation, prayer or other tools—before it comes time to decide on any vows.
To be clear, no one has to write their own vows. It can be quite moving to look into your partner’s eyes and share words from your own heart, but I write wedding vows for clients who don’t want to, which can take the stress off if writing just isn’t your thing.
Here are some tips for wedding vows for the previously wed.
Your former marriage is part of your life, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be central to this wedding day. What you choose to promise should be focused on what you hope to achieve together with your new partner. If you find that times when you fell short during your prior marriage are weighing on you, then find a way to give them a positive spin. If you regret not picking up your socks, then go ahead and promise to pick up your socks.
Focusing on what you were unhappy with in your previous marriage isn’t a good idea, at least when you’re writing vows. If you’re getting married to someone new, then by now you should have talked about prior challenges and decided that your new partner has different qualities than your last one did. Vows are not a vehicle for imposing expectations on your new spouse—if you’re going to impose expectations on anyone with your wedding vows, they should be on you. Stick to your picking up your socks, not telling them what to do with theirs.
Don’t call your prior marriage a mistake, no matter the circumstances. We are all shaped by our experiences, and that includes experiences that we regret. Just as important as not dwelling on perceived failings of the past is not pretending that the past didn’t happen at all. You are who you are in large part because of what’s happened and how you’ve addressed it. Instead of promising not to repeat past mistakes, shift your focus to what you wish your life with your new partner to be like instead. Maybe it’s time to switch to wearing sandals full time.
If you are blending two families—be it your children, your parents, your pets—consider including them in your vows by proclaiming how you want to be part of this larger grouping. Will you be helping schedule doctor’s appointments, shuttling family members to practices, or remodeling a home to accommodate new living arrangements? This may be an opportunity to lay out how seriously you take these new roles. Talking about these priorities in a group setting might be a very meaningful moment. You might be surprised how strongly some people feel about socks.
Marriage vows can be, or include, lighthearted promises such as not leaving wet towels on the floor. If you and your spouse-to-be will be surprising each other during the ceremony with your exact words, though, you might want to at least get on the same page as to tone. Vows that celebrate your belief in marriage can feel all the more poignant to someone who has been married before—but not if one of you gets heavy while the other keeps it light. If the constant reference to socks in this post feels jarring and you do not care for that feeling, then do what you can to avoid creating that feeling during the ceremony.
You might acknowledge what changes you will be making to how you manage resources. Marrying might involve moving, or opening a new bank account, or changing beneficiaries or health-care proxies. These changes might take more getting used to than they did during a first marriage, because lives tend to get more complicated over time. Vows that lift up those acts of faith being made by your partner might be received warmly. If you plan on leaving your new spouse a collection of vintage socks in your will, though, best not spring that while you’re making vows. It’s not all about socks.
Here are some resources with specific language that might be inspire your vows:
You can also always fall back on the rule of three for writing your own vows, which works whether this is your first trip down the aisle, or your tenth. It’s succinct and eloquent.
In the western world, white is the go-to color choice for anyone getting married in a dress. It’s hard to sort out clickbait from reliable sources when it comes to wedding history, but it seems clear that Victoria popularized the tradition, which may have been known to other European monarchs for generations beforehand.
An unattributed poem dating to the mid-nineteenth century captures a sense of what nearlyweds aspired to in English-speaking cultures of the day:
Married in white, you have chosen right Married in grey, you will go far away Married in black, you will wish yourself back Married in red, you will wish yourself dead Married in green, ashamed to be seen Married in blue, you will always be true Married in pearl, you will live in a whirl Married in yellow, ashamed of your fellow Married in brown, you will live in the town Married in pink, your spirit will sink.
There’s plenty of other options for wedding colors beyond that poem. There’s a multicolored collection of wedding outfits at the Charleston Museum, dating from the nineteenth and twentieth centuries; that page also provides a different take on the symbolism of color:
In other cultures and in earlier times, colors were chosen for marriages based on their symbolic meanings. Green was often considered a symbol of fertility; blue was associated with the Virgin Mary and her innocence and motherhood. Red was worn in Eastern countries for weddings as a source of good luck. Yellow was the classic color of Hymen, the god of marriage for the Romans – who often wore a flame-yellow veil and saffron-colored shoes. In 18th century America, yellow was a popular wedding color, with blue second and lilac third. White and silver were in vogue for many 1750 British brides. And white has endured, symbolic of purity – impractical and thus even more special. It was often chosen to show off one’s wealth or royalty, as were the lengthy veils and elaborate styles of the dresses themselves.
Practicality is also an historic tradition: to one’s wedding, one might wear the finest clothing one owns, regardless of color.
White has become a classic, but it’s not the only option. If it speaks to you, wonderful! The image of a flowing white garment has strong wedding associations. If you’re thinking about something with a different style or palette, though, don’t shy away simply because it’s less common. This is your wedding, and you may have reasons that are more important to you than adhering to U.S. tradition. Maybe blue is what makes you feel true, and maybe not. What’s important is to be true to yourselves as you start in this new phase of life.
The first wedding I ever officiated was for family members, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The second wedding I officiated was for one of my oldest friends. After each ceremony, I felt like a minor celebrity myself. I’d made the magic happen. I was responsible for helping people I care about start their lives together. It was magical. It was beautiful. I’ll never forget those experiences.
Marrying the future parents of my future grandchildren
It was also the most effort I have ever put into a wedding gift in my entire life.
Officiating for friends or family is a gift like no other. You can be sure that there won’t be anything like it brought by anyone else. If you ask someone dear to you for this, it will touch them deeply, too. The amount of love and trust behind such a request is profound.
Before you make this request, though, make sure you’re clear what you will be asking. Officiating a wedding includes:
making sure you’re legally able to perform the ceremony and sign the paperwork (which in New York, at least, isn’t that difficult)
being comfortable speaking in public (and, if there won’t be amplification, having a voice that carries far enough for everyone to hear)
working with you to come up with the ceremony script that fits your preferences, by writing it entirely or by researching existing scripts and customizing the elements
rehearsing lines and ceremony details, either solo or with the wedding party
From the first conversation through sending the paperwork back to the town clerk, I’ll be spending at least 10 hours working on any wedding—not including travel. That first one took me more time than that, because I was still learning what questions I needed to ask, and I was also more than a little bit nervous about getting everything right. I could have shaved it down by finding a canned script to read, but that wasn’t a good fit for me.
This is a big investment of time, learning, and love. If your purpose is to find a way to include someone in a very special way, by all means do ask! If your main concern is to save money, you should be aware that despite often being the only role you are legally required to fill during your ceremony, wedding officiants are typically among the least expensive vendors. You should also consider how to balance balance the personal and the professional when asking any friend to help out with your wedding.
When your officiant is someone from your inner circle, they are going to have an experience much like anyone else in your wedding party: a whirlwind of activity that may leave them with little time to enjoy your special day. (To be fair, that’s how a lot of couples experience their own wedding, too.) Make sure that whoever you ask is clear about the effort that’s needed, and be aware that being asked is such an honor that some people will find it hard to refuse—even if they want to. What you don’t want is to create hard feelings or have to hire an officiant if your loved one bows out later on.
Again, it’s beautiful to have a special person perform a ceremony of matrimony for you. If there is someone in your life that fits the bill, go for it! Just be clear on what’s expected, and be willing to take “no” for an answer. If the request is declined, I would be happy to help you find another way to include that loved one. Reach out to set up a free consultation.
To get a license to marry in the state of New York, you have to apply for it in person—both of you, as New York law limits the number of spouses to one. As of this writing, there are no other options. This can be done at the office of any town or city clerk in the state. Clerks in bigger cities dedicate staff members entirely to processing marriage documents. It doesn’t matter where in the state you plan on getting married, and it doesn’t matter where you live. If you will be getting married within New York, then you can get a license from any clerk in New York.
According to state law, two adults (aged 18 years or more) may get a license to marry each other if they can produce proof of age and identity. New York being a state where home rule is a big deal, it’s the individual clerks who make the decision as to what counts as evidence, and what doesn’t. It’s unlikely any of them would object to state-issued identification, or official birth records, and documents of that sort, but if you have anything different it’s probably a good idea to find out if your documentation is acceptable in that clerk’s office.
Gender limitations on marriage were eliminated with the signing of the Marriage Equality Act in 2011, eight years after Jason West married multiple same-sex couples in New Paltz.
Marriage licenses aren’t usable until exactly 24 hours after they are issued, unless a judge waives that waiting period. It’s good for 60 calendar days from that point on. As soon as the ceremony is complete, fill in the date, time, and location in the appropriate fields. Your officiant will double-check to make sure nothing is missed.
This is also when witness and officiant signatures are executed. There is space for two witnesses, but only one adult is required. Usually, addresses are requested of all these parties.
Licenses usually come with a pre-addressed return envelope. At Weddings in the Gunks, mailing the completed form back after checking for accuracy is one of the responsibilities given to the officiant in the contract, but any client who wants to take that one is welcome to strike that clause entirely. The normal process includes providing pictures of the license just prior to mailing, and sending it back certified mail with return receipt requested. Past experience shows that there is never a guarantee that even certified mail will not be lost in transit, but requesting tracking provides peace of mind.
If you’re in a polyamorous relationship, taking the next step is more complicated. Given that everything is a bit more complicated in a polycule, you may be uniquely prepared for this challenge.
Marriage, as defined in the United States, is a legal relationship limited to two adult human beings, which means that you’re going to have to get creative if you want to include marriage in your formal commitment. This is by no means required; anyone can have a commitment ceremony whether or not there will also be a marriage. Hiring a officiant who customizes each and every ceremony is important for that process; here’s some considerations as you work through your ideas.
How will you communicate with your officiant?
If you’re in a healthy polyamorous relationship, then you have gotten very good at communicating with one another. Even if your officiant is also experienced with polyamorous relationships, that officiant isn’t part of your polycule. Give some thought as to how you communicate among yourselves, and then ask your officiant for input on how to work together. The clearer everyone is on how you want to work together, the smoother the process will be. Consider asking questions such as:
To what extent does each of you want to be involved in creating the ceremony script?
Can you be disciplined enough not to talk over each other, to be mindful that the officiant may be taking notes?
Will you make space for your officiant to talk with each of you regardless, to get a sense of your individual personalities?
Will there be a legal marriage as part of the ceremony?
Just because marriage is limited to two individuals doesn’t mean that marriage can’t be part of the plans for your polycule. For example, I’m familiar with a four-person polycule who got married as two couples. There are legal benefits to marriage that are more difficult to recreate outside of that context, and just because your loving family is more complex than the societal norm doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve those benefits. However, due to that additional complexity, it’s probably worth it to consult some professionals, such as an estate lawyer and an accountant. If you can communicate your goals to these consultants, you may emerge with a strategy for how to achieve them.
On the other hand, there is no requirement that any marriage license be involved in this process. What works for one polycule isn’t necessarily the best option for any other. Communicate with one another, and take the time to test your own feelings.
ceremonial
Incorporating symbolism of unity into a polyamorous commitment ceremony
Many of the classic unity elements are designed for two people, but can be adapted.
Rings: it’s relatively easy to include rings as a symbol of this commitment. A ring-warming isn’t changed much at all; the main factor for this is the number of guests participating. For the actual exchange, thought must be given as to who shall place a ring on whose finger, and in what order. It might even make sense to do this simultaneously.
Handfasting is a beautiful way to show the connections among the ceremony participants, but the knot that’s commonly tied is designed for two people to pull the ends. For more than two, the officiant may be doing additional work, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
Sharing a cup such as the traditional Scottish quaich can be quite profound with three or more pledging their love or commitment to one another.
Sand ceremonies are also easily adapted to more than two, and the result can be a beautiful sand painting which will serve as an enduring reminder of how you have blended your distinctive energies together.
Vows are perhaps more important for three or more than they are for a mere couple. You are committing yourself to each individual, and to the entire polycule. This is a moment when you can declare to each other, your guests, and the entire universe what you mean to each other, and how you intend to show it. For that reason, canned vows might not cut it. Your officiant might have suggestions as to the types of promises to make and things to say, but as with everything in the polyamorous life, communication with your partners is essential.
When it comes down to it, love is love. Not all love has a legal definition, and that’s okay. If you’re ready to declare your love before friends and family, send a message! Your love deserves a lovely ceremony.
