If you’re in a polyamorous relationship, taking the next step is more complicated. Given that everything is a bit more complicated in a polycule, you may be uniquely prepared for this challenge.
Marriage, as defined in the United States, is a legal relationship limited to two adult human beings, which means that you’re going to have to get creative if you want to include marriage in your formal commitment. This is by no means required; anyone can have a commitment ceremony whether or not there will also be a marriage. Hiring a officiant who customizes each and every ceremony is important for that process; here’s some considerations as you work through your ideas.
How will you communicate with your officiant?
If you’re in a healthy polyamorous relationship, then you have gotten very good at communicating with one another. Even if your officiant is also experienced with polyamorous relationships, that officiant isn’t part of your polycule. Give some thought as to how you communicate among yourselves, and then ask your officiant for input on how to work together. The clearer everyone is on how you want to work together, the smoother the process will be. Consider asking questions such as:
To what extent does each of you want to be involved in creating the ceremony script?
Can you be disciplined enough not to talk over each other, to be mindful that the officiant may be taking notes?
Will you make space for your officiant to talk with each of you regardless, to get a sense of your individual personalities?
Will there be a legal marriage as part of the ceremony?
Just because marriage is limited to two individuals doesn’t mean that marriage can’t be part of the plans for your polycule. For example, I’m familiar with a four-person polycule who got married as two couples. There are legal benefits to marriage that are more difficult to recreate outside of that context, and just because your loving family is more complex than the societal norm doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve those benefits. However, due to that additional complexity, it’s probably worth it to consult some professionals, such as an estate lawyer and an accountant. If you can communicate your goals to these consultants, you may emerge with a strategy for how to achieve them.
On the other hand, there is no requirement that any marriage license be involved in this process. What works for one polycule isn’t necessarily the best option for any other. Communicate with one another, and take the time to test your own feelings.
ceremonial
Incorporating symbolism of unity into a polyamorous commitment ceremony
Many of the classic unity elements are designed for two people, but can be adapted.
Rings: it’s relatively easy to include rings as a symbol of this commitment. A ring-warming isn’t changed much at all; the main factor for this is the number of guests participating. For the actual exchange, thought must be given as to who shall place a ring on whose finger, and in what order. It might even make sense to do this simultaneously.
Handfasting is a beautiful way to show the connections among the ceremony participants, but the knot that’s commonly tied is designed for two people to pull the ends. For more than two, the officiant may be doing additional work, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
Sharing a cup such as the traditional Scottish quaich can be quite profound with three or more pledging their love or commitment to one another.
Sand ceremonies are also easily adapted to more than two, and the result can be a beautiful sand painting which will serve as an enduring reminder of how you have blended your distinctive energies together.
Vows are perhaps more important for three or more than they are for a mere couple. You are committing yourself to each individual, and to the entire polycule. This is a moment when you can declare to each other, your guests, and the entire universe what you mean to each other, and how you intend to show it. For that reason, canned vows might not cut it. Your officiant might have suggestions as to the types of promises to make and things to say, but as with everything in the polyamorous life, communication with your partners is essential.
When it comes down to it, love is love. Not all love has a legal definition, and that’s okay. If you’re ready to declare your love before friends and family, send a message! Your love deserves a lovely ceremony.
A poignant way to represent what changes during marriage is to exchange stefana on the heads of the couple. This is a unity ceremony that touches on the additional roles and responsibilities being placed upon those who are being wed. Widely used in Greek orthodox ceremonies, these wreaths have roots that can be traced back long before Christianity was developed.
Some comments on word usage: stefana is the plural form of stefanos; “stefanas” is always incorrect. The plural is the more common word to see in this context, because for weddings, they come in pairs. It’s also redundant to use “stefana crowns,” since the word means “garland” or “crown.” Greek words are written using a different alphabet, and for that reason this one is sometimes translated using the spelling “stephana,” but that’s not nearly as common.
In a Greek orthodox wedding, the priest places a stefanos on the head of the groom, and then intones a prayer three times that celebrates that man’s* role as a servant to that religion’s central deity. A second stefanos, which is attached to the first with a long ribbon, is placed on the bride’s head with a similar invocation. The crowns remain in place for the remainder of the ceremony, and traditionally for some time after that. Once woven of flowers or other plants, stefana in the 21st century are more likely to be long-lasting keepsakes fashioned of much more durable materials, including silver and gold.
The use of wreaths to crown individuals dates back into the ancient period of Greek history, and perhaps earlier.
*The gendered language describing Greek orthodox weddings is intentional. Same-sex weddings were legalized in Greece in February, 2024, but church leaders opposed the change. To my understanding, same-sex unions are not available in any Greek orthodox church, anywhere on the planet. The theological basis for that position is clearly important to adherents of that faith. Rest assured your officiants at Weddings in the Gunks are not ordained through that church. If you wish to incorporate this tradition to honor your spiritual or cultural heritage, then your ceremony will include those elements—it’s as simple as that.
The practice of warming rings at a wedding is said to have Irish roots. The basic form involves the bands being passed among some or all of the guests, who physically warm them with their hands while also imbuing them with positive hopes and wishes for the couple being married. It’s a lovely way to shift guests from audience members to participants. As it’s not a standard part of a traditional contemporary American wedding, the officiant should take time to explain its significance. In the alternative, information about warming of rings can be included in the invitation.
Logistics of a ring-warming ceremony
If you’re going to ask for the rings to be warmed, consider these questions:
do you want the rings to remain in a single location where the guests come up one by one, or should they be passed to people in their seats?
who will be in charge of monitoring the rings, to make sure that all intended guests have access, and that they’re available by the time they are needed for placing on fingers?
will the rings remain in a container such as a pouch, or will they be handled directly?
if only a portion of guests will be warming the rings during the ceremony, will everyone else be included in some way?
The answers to these questions will depend on factors ranging from your love of your guests to your anxiety about a ring being misplaced. No one wants to see a ring fall between floorboards! On the other hand, having guests lay their hands on those rings can form incredible memories. Sometimes, one or both members of the couple fashion their own rings—which can amplify either of those feelings.
Having the officiant be the only one to warm the rings is an option that we’ve included. Another has been to allow the ring physically to be warmed by members of the immediate family before they are exchanged, and invite other guests to confer their own blessings on the rings after the ceremony—once they’re securely on their intended fingers. A third option would be to have the ring bearer or another designated individual hold the rings aloft, and allow everyone to confer their wishes or blessings at the same time.
Include whoever you choose
Being broadly inclusive of your guests is a kind gesture, but on this day you might prefer to call out those closest to you to participate in this special way. You may even wish to bring the rings on visits to loved ones who won’t be able to attend in person, in order to give them an opportunity. In fact, the entire matter of warming rings might be done privately, months or hours or minutes ahead of the formalities, if that is your desire. All you need do is let your officiant know what you intend, as with all elements of the ceremony.
Ultimately, the only people who need to be satisfied with if and how to include warming of the rings are those who will be wearing them. Realistically, the feelings of certain loved ones might play an outsized role in helping you make those decisions. Be clear on your own vision, and on which stakeholders you want to bring in for input, as you decide on this and every part of your wedding. It’s your day, after all.
Your wedding should reflect your values: who you are, what communities you belong to, and who you stand for are all part of those values. An aspect that doesn’t get as much attention is how the officiant addresses you during the ceremony, as well as at its conclusion.
This isn’t about the names on the marriage license—that’s an important decision, but not one that matters during the ceremony. To get that license, you’ve proven your identities to a town or city clerk, and the officiant doesn’t have to confirm that information, or even use those particular legal names out loud. It’s possible that your legal names are music to your ears, but if that’s not true, no worries! You can be referred to and addressed by names of your choosing, and it won’t affect the legality of the ceremony. If your ceremony isn’t going to be a marriage in the legal sense, then it’s even easier, but in New York the requirements are not very difficult in any case.
Since that’s the case, let’s make sure the names used are ones you respond to normally. Calling someone “William” when their friends all know them as “Bill” is going to make for a stiff and uncomfortable ceremony—especially if Bill only got called William when having gotten into trouble. Weddings are a time of joy! Using names that make you feel tense is pretty much the opposite of joy. Let’s not do that.
Once you’ve decided on the officiant who fits your needs, you’re going to have a workshop session to talk about what you want in your ceremony, and what you do not want. Let’s be clear on what names you want to be spoken, and which ones should remain on paper and never get pronounced on your special day.
At the end of a wedding, you might want the officiant to announce you by your married names. This might also be done when you arrive at the reception; in that case, it’s typically a DJ or another person announcing you. No matter who does it, the first time the world is introduced to your married selves, make sure the announcer is clear on how you want it phrased. It’s not unusual to offer more formal names for this moment, but again, it’s not required. For some people, the names on that license are an exciting first line of a new chapter in life. For others, those names might be dead, and uncomfortable to hear. Don’t leave this important moment to chance. Be clear about your identities, and how you wish to have them presented to your loved ones at this moment of joy.
The breaking of a glass with a solid stomp of the foot comes from Jewish tradition, and is a recognizable element in many fictional weddings depicted on film and stage. Traditionally a glass is broken by the groom and attendees shouts “mazel tov,” which marks the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the celebration.
Traditional Jewish significance of breaking a glass
Rabbis have written no small amount the symbolism of breaking a glass during a wedding. In a traditional ceremony there are two cups used; one for the betrothal, and another for the nuptials. Its breaking is believed by some scholars to represent the destruction of the temple at Jerusalem, and the hope that the relationship with Jews and their deity might be restored as surely as glass can be melted and repaired. Others have argued that it is intended to temper the unbridled joy and intoxication that such a celebration might encourage; there are stories of rabbis who broke a glass to shock guests into sobriety. Yet another interpretation is that the act captures some of the essence of a Talmudic observation that “joining two people in marriage is as difficult as splitting the sea.” Breaking a glass in joy can also be seen as an attempt to counteract the divine consequences of the breaking of the tablets by Moses, which was done out of anger.
Contemporary symbolism of breaking the glass
When I’ve witnessed a glass being broken, it’s always been an acknowledgment of Jewish custom. Rather than using one of the ceremonial cups as might be dictated by strict adherence to tradition, a glass—sometimes a light bulb instead, because it sounds more dramatic—is wrapped in a cloth and placed before the groom. The guests I’ve spoken to have had different interpretations of its meaning than the rabbis who study these questions. These include:
representing the suffering that Jews have endured throughout their history,
a blessing that the marriage shall last as long as it would take to reassemble the glass,
that this is the last time that the groom will “put his foot down,”
a reminder, by smashing something valuable, that marriage is not about material possessions,
a charm to transfer the cracks that might grow in this relationship to the glass instead, and
a reminder of the fragility of human relationships, and that both joy and sadness lie ahead.
A cultural conclusion to a wedding
Breaking of a glass carries a lot of symbolism, and specifically calls back to Jewish culture and heritage. It’s a satisfying way to conclude a wedding ceremony, and invariably is followed by joy and celebration. It may be an appropriate finish to the ceremony, even if it’s not one performed by a rabbi and drawing upon the more sacred Jewish traditions, if recognizing Jewish heritage is important to those being married and their families.
