The breaking of a glass with a solid stomp of the foot comes from Jewish tradition, and is a recognizable element in many fictional weddings depicted on film and stage. Traditionally a glass is broken by the groom and attendees shouts “mazel tov,” which marks the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the celebration.
Traditional Jewish significance of breaking a glass
Rabbis have written no small amount the symbolism of breaking a glass during a wedding. In a traditional ceremony there are two cups used; one for the betrothal, and another for the nuptials. Its breaking is believed by some scholars to represent the destruction of the temple at Jerusalem, and the hope that the relationship with Jews and their deity might be restored as surely as glass can be melted and repaired. Others have argued that it is intended to temper the unbridled joy and intoxication that such a celebration might encourage; there are stories of rabbis who broke a glass to shock guests into sobriety. Yet another interpretation is that the act captures some of the essence of a Talmudic observation that “joining two people in marriage is as difficult as splitting the sea.” Breaking a glass in joy can also be seen as an attempt to counteract the divine consequences of the breaking of the tablets by Moses, which was done out of anger.
Contemporary symbolism of breaking the glass
When I’ve witnessed a glass being broken, it’s always been an acknowledgment of Jewish custom. Rather than using one of the ceremonial cups as might be dictated by strict adherence to tradition, a glass—sometimes a light bulb instead, because it sounds more dramatic—is wrapped in a cloth and placed before the groom. The guests I’ve spoken to have had different interpretations of its meaning than the rabbis who study these questions. These include:
representing the suffering that Jews have endured throughout their history,
a blessing that the marriage shall last as long as it would take to reassemble the glass,
that this is the last time that the groom will “put his foot down,”
a reminder, by smashing something valuable, that marriage is not about material possessions,
a charm to transfer the cracks that might grow in this relationship to the glass instead, and
a reminder of the fragility of human relationships, and that both joy and sadness lie ahead.
A cultural conclusion to a wedding
Breaking of a glass carries a lot of symbolism, and specifically calls back to Jewish culture and heritage. It’s a satisfying way to conclude a wedding ceremony, and invariably is followed by joy and celebration. It may be an appropriate finish to the ceremony, even if it’s not one performed by a rabbi and drawing upon the more sacred Jewish traditions, if recognizing Jewish heritage is important to those being married and their families.
Weddings can be bittersweet. There’s likely going to be a lot of happiness, and looking to the future; it can also be a day to remember loved ones who didn’t live to attend in body. Acknowledging those special people who passed on before your special day can help transform any sadness or grief you might be feeling. This post will include several suggestions for doing this.
“Beloved dead” vs “ancestors”
For the purposes of this post, the phrase “beloved dead” is specifically intended to mean people whom you shared a relationship close enough to experience love, and who are now deceased. This is in contrast to “ancestors,” a term that for this post is defined as those people to whom you have ties of blood or inspiration, and who died before you were born.
There are ancestor veneration practices in every culture. I maintain an ancestor practice, and many of the suggestions here could be used for people in either category. The difference is that since we knew our beloved dead in life, those relationships still carry emotions from that life together. A relationship with someone you never knew in life just hits different. It might be appropriate to honor one or more ancestors, too.
Set a seat at the table
You can reserve a seat for a deceased love one—or more than one, as they don’t take up much space. Just drop a “reserved for ____” placard wherever you would like them to sit; I’ve also seen it suggested that in place a placard, you could hang one of their jackets over the chair. This is also possible for the reception, but check with your caterer to find out if this will incur charges, and budget accordingly.
Remember them in the program
Write a dedication to someone you wish could have been there in person. It can be as simple as listing a name or names under the heading of “in loving memory,” but you could also include a brief quote or anecdote or picture, if that feels right.
Ask them to attend
I’ve had clients who asked me to specifically invite the attendance of a departed family member, before moving into the bulk of the ceremony. Your beloved dead are probably going to be there in spirit either way, but it’s nice to be asked. If you want to take an extra step, address an invitation and leave it graveside.
Include a shrine
Create a small area with pictures or other memories of your beloved dead. This might be a photo board, or a small table upon which is placed items like a framed picture, lit candle, or personal possessions of the deceased. Depending on the layout of the venue, a procession can stop there to acknowledge the loved one, or it might be better sited to allow guests to interact before or after the ceremony. A minimalist version might be to wear or openly carry a locket containing the loved one’s image.
Your loved ones will be with you, today and always
Getting married after a loved one has passed away can bring up complex emotions. It’s sad to know that they won’t be there to see this happy day with their own eyes, but it might also be nice to know that that special someone would have been happy for you. If there is someone who will be on your mind as your take this important step, it’s okay to remember them on your wedding day. Do it publicly, if that feels right, or do it privately. How each of us remember, and how each of us grieve, is an individual journey. Just be true to yourself, your traditions, and the relationship you had with whoever can’t make it in body, and try to find comfort in how they might have enjoyed celebrating with you.
The unity ceremony of drinking from a quaich carries deep and poignant symbolism with it. A quaich is a two-handled cup traditionally made from wood, but many modern versions are metal. While any beverage may be consumed from a quaich, it is most strongly associated with Scotch whisky. The word “quaich” derives from an older Scottish word for “cup,” which means both that “quaich cup” is redundant, and that “quaich” is a common noun that requires no capitalization. However, the etymology is only one interesting aspect of this object, which has taken on a special role in Scots and Scottish-inspired weddings.
During a wedding, the couple together drains the quaich as a way of proclaiming that they are family. This video gives more context.
There are many versions of the traditional words that can be said before, during, and after the quaich is emptied; my clients are welcome to ask for something more aligned with their values, as well.
Variations for a quaich ceremony include:
having the quaich filled by a friend or family member,
selecting a beverage other than whisky, including possibly a blend of liquids,
turning the cup upside-down on a table, or on the head of one of the couple, and
having the cup served by members of the family or wedding party, instead of to each other.
A concept that is central to the sharing of the quaich is that by sharing this cup, you can’t do harm or injury to one another.
If you’d like a custom wedding ceremony that includes a quaich or another tradition that speaks to your own values, reach out for a free consultation.
The goal of any legal wedding—and a decent number of other commitment ceremonies—is to seal the deal with “I do” or other language that clearly states, “Yes, I will marry you.” How we get to that point of the wedding, what comes before and after, and all the rest is, in New York at least, pretty much up to you. That’s why every ceremony offered through Weddings in the Gunks is created using a collaborative process that ensures that it is going to reflect your values.
One of the basic decisions in the classic American wedding format is whether this portion of the event is going to be phrased as a question, or a call-and-response process, or if the words will memorized ahead or time or read from the page entirely by the couple themselves.
Here’s the language that many will find familiar, if not from their own experience, from popular culture:
Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, for as long as you both shall live?
This is the declaration of intent, which is central to any wedding. In this format, each person would respond to the question with the classic “I do,” which is what everyone is there to witness.
When it’s done as a call and response, the officiant feeds the words to each participant:
Repeat after me: “I, Chrysanthemum,”
“I, Chrysanthemum,”
“take you, Pennyfarthing,”
“take you, Pennyfarthing,”
“to be my lawfully wedded spouse,”
“to be my lawfully wedded spouse,”
“to have and to hold,”
“to have and to hold,”
“from this day forward,”
“from this day forward,”
“in sickness and in health,”
“in sickness and in health,”
“for richer or for poorer,”
“for richer or for poorer,”
“for as long as we both shall live.”
“for as long as we both shall live.”
There is no explicit “I do,” but the declaration of intent remains.
In the third variant, you’ll either memorize the whole shebang, or have it printed in a handy format to read aloud. (Your Weddings in the Gunks officiant always has a copy of the entire script, which will come in handy just in case something goes awry with and there’s nothing to read from.)
How do you want to get to “I do?” The choice is up to you.
In New York, it’s actually possible to change one’s name simply by changing it. Here’s what’s written on the state’s web site:
Every person has the right to adopt any name by which he or she wishes to be known simply by using that name consistently and without intent to defraud. A person’s last name (surname) does not automatically change upon marriage, and neither party to the marriage is required to change his or her last name. Parties to a marriage need not take the same last name.
While that’s a cromulent approach, having a legal record of a changed name is extremely helpful in our bureaucratic society. Marriage is an uncomplicated way to create that record, one that doesn’t carry with it any legal fees or other financial costs. It is also somewhat limited. Again, the information about name-change options for marriage from the official state source is as follows:
One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the surname by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage license. The new name must consist of one of the following options:
the surname of the other spouse;
any former surname of either spouse;
a name combining into a single surname all or a segment of the premarriage surname or any former surname of each spouse;
a combination name separated by a hyphen or a space, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses.
One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the middle name by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage license. The new middle name must consist of one of the following options:
the current surname of the spouse electing to change his or her name;
any former surname of the spouse electing to change his or her name;
the surname of the other spouse.
There’s a nice guide to all the government officials who will need to be notified of your new name on wedding wire, but outside of that list, the information on that page isn’t entirely accurate. As of this writing, there’s a claim that state record-keepers are “open to pretty much anything you can come up with” when it comes to changing a name through a marriage; this is simply not true. You certainly can pursue another legal avenue to create a new name for yourself, but the criteria for a marital change are limited to those specified above. The text also leaves the impression that county clerks issue marriage licenses and certificates; this is false. These documents are obtained from a city or town clerk. Always trust information from an official source over what one might read on a corporate web site. Writers for these web sites—assuming that the text is written by humans at all, and not an artificial intelligence—may not have ever set foot in New York, and probably have churned out boilerplate articles without any editorial oversight to ensure that facts are checked for accuracy.
Similarly, there’s an article on the findlaw site about marital name changes that’s also not accurate when it comes to getting married in New York. The facts of that article were reviewed by an Ohio attorney, one who seems not to be aware of the peculiar limits in place in this state. There is certainly room for creativity, but the claim that it’s possible to “come up with a completely new and different name” is inconsistent with the New York health department information that’s shared here. That link is included because there’s an even more thorough list of entities to inform about the new name.
Your name is yours to cherish for life if you wish, but marriage in New York provides a straightforward way to make certain changes. Choose wisely.
